The Speech

Fed up with the negativity and advised to speak to the group about my support needs, I delivered this speech to the entire PHP and assistants in our group meeting yesterday:

I’d like to start by saying that this is about me and my recovery; I am by no means judging what’s best for any of you, or your personal treatment plans, or your recovery. I am only explaining my point of view, my story, and wondering if you would like to join me.

As you know, I recently came from IP/RES, where we follow rules that alleviate some of the triggers of meal-time and general interaction. These rules are things like not complaining about your food, not engaging in food/ exercise talk, not referencing specific body parts, and being respectful to one another in communication by offering check-ins and using “I” statements. We tried our best to be careful and facilitate an environment that best supports everyone’s recovery needs.

From the moment I stepped into PHP I felt it was different here. Obviously, there is more freedom, more temptation, and a whole new group of people. These were the types of changes I expected, the types of changes that I knew I would need support in dealing with. On the other hand, there are many factors that I think are not necessarily part of PHP, but of the environment as a whole. I have felt so much negativity in this group. I see it in things like not participating in groups, complaining about food during dinner, talking about exercise, actively using behaviors and discussing them, and isolating from other group members. Not only do I often feel like I need to close up in order not to be triggered, but I’ve come to resent the program. I also feel sad when I see others engage in behaviors because I know that this is not conducive to any type of recovery.

PHP is supposed to be the next step into the “real world,” I know. And in the real world people will talk about exercise and food. I will be triggered in the real world, and PHP is meant to prepare me for that. However, I have come to treatment because I need support. The negativity and behaviors remind me of when I came here and my life was ruled by ED; I had lost my friends, my health, my mental capacity, and my joy of life. I have promised never to return to that and went to the ERC to show me how. I want to know you all; I want to learn from you, and help you in your recovery, and in return receive the love and support that I know we can all offer one another. I hope you see in yourselves what I see, and I humbly request, now, that we take on recovery together.