Reeling

Long time no post!

For being limited to about a square mile of space, it's amazing how much activity I can shove in. This weekend has been one of the most challenging yet, and I still don't feel like I've gotten a hold of it (we call the act of breaking down emotions/ thoughts and getting feedback on them "processing"). Strap in, folks; this post might be a little muddled...

On the stretching, snack and lunch challenges:

I am proud of report that I have not stretched since last Friday! Although my therapist's challenge only lasted through Monday, I didn't stretch this morning, either. Resisting the urge has gotten easier every day, until this morning when I barely remembered my habit. Can I tell you a secret?I feel so much lighter. I feel more flexible. I feel liberated. And I feel proud.

The snack outing on Saturday went imperfectly perfect. A friend and I shopped and then went to St. Mark's coffee, an independent cafe with a great vibe and hipster crowd. My dietitian and I had decided my snack the day before, and I had been practicing the order in my head all day: Grande dirty soy chai. Grande dirty soy chai. I got to the counter, looked the clerk in the eye, and sputtered, "Um, 2% Chai grande with a shot, PLEASE." Spitefully, the clerk replied, "What's that?" I stammered, "You know, it has a shot of espresso in it?" He said, "No, what's a grande?" Zing!! The stupid hipster wanted to throw my Starbucks lingo back in my face, and I wanted to throw my ED in his. Instead, I told him I chose St. Mark's because I hated Starbucks and flipped him off when he turned his back. Take that, snack challenge debacle!

The lunch pass presented considerably more challenges. A friend and I got a ride from my Mom, who had come for family visit. We arrived at Thai Basil to realize that it was closed. Having my plans foiled is a big trigger; I had talked with my dietitian about my options, carefully chosen the location, prepared the itinerary, and memorized the plan. Thank God I was with my mom and a very flexible friend. We redirected to the Swing Thai down the street, chose what we deemed was in line with our dietitian's guides, and dove in.

I spent a lot of lunch comparing the content of my meal's to my friend's. Comparisons are ED's best friend and completely defunct in promoting recovery goals. I thought mine had more oil and was thus fattier. Then, to counter my nerves and match my friend's order, I requested an iced green tea (as you know, caffeine is not recommended for patients in recovery). I did a relatively good job of not feeling guilty for my choice and trying to limit the comparisons, but I would lie if I said it was easy.

After lunch we walked Broadway for a while, stopping by the gas station for gum and Bardo's coffee shop. Here I was, "indulging" in everything that had been off-limits: caffeine, gum, comparisons, walking. In the throes of ED, going out to lunch or an afternoon coffee stop were indulgences. I lost my ability to be flexible in social eating, making these events extremely triggering. I want to learn again how to enjoy a lunch and not treat it as an indulgence, and here I was doing exactly that. When we arrived back to treatment, I breathed a sigh of relief. Excitement, pride and satisfaction were my primary emotions post-snack challenge; post-lunch, I felt exhausted, hypocritical, and a little hopeless. As my dietitian said, they don't call these "challenges" for no reason. The thing for me to do now is not self-deprecate but to process the reason why I gave into those urges. I didn't "lose control" or "indulge;" I simply chose one path over another path.

The goal in any situation is to choose the path that most promotes my values in recovery, and that is not the decision that I made after lunch. My new intention, then, is to reestablish my goals, understand my options, and my forward-pointing inner compass. I'll keep you updated.