The Response

Delivering that speech to this new and rather intimidating group of people took a lot of guts, but I had the support of my friends and believed that many other group members felt the same way. For the last few days I had become so dejected in the PHP environment. I resented having to take control of my treatment because I didn't feel like I knew enough or was strong enough. I resented the other patients for not creating a supportive environment. I resented the triggers, because the situation was already difficult enough despite their complaints and competition. But mostly I resented that fact that I felt the PHP system and patients pulled me so far from my values and goals in treatment. I wasn't sitting still or being creative or exploring my spiritual self; I was only struggling to get a hold on this new, less-than-perfect situation.

However, I felt myself beginning to use the PHP system as an out. If I was feeling anxious or scared, it was foremost a result of the situation. I was deterred from sitting with, accepting and reforming my thoughts because it was much easier to exclaim, "unjust!" In order to return to my pursuits in treatment I had to attempt a change in the system. Whether change was achieved was not the point; what mattered was that I had made an effort to take hold of my treatment and act as a good citizen patient. Without realizing it, I chose a fitting attitude, because the response from the other patients was not at all what I was hoping for...

Having made the mistake before, I attempted not to form too many expectations about the response I might receive. Still, I was hopeful that the other patients would hear my opinion and heed my requests. Was that too much to ask?

As soon as my speech had been delivered, I was honored with a swift kick in the butt, PHP-style. The other patients informed me that I was not attempting to break out of my group of roommates (my roommates and I have bonded as partners in recovery); that I needed to suck up my sensitivity about triggers, because with PHP came options and freedom, and other people had the right to choose their actions; and that some people were working on emotional expression, so they needed to practice being negative and sitting with it. After two responses, and into four or five, I felt myself shutting down. I wanted to grab a Harry Potter portkey and send myself elsewhere, even if I got spiltched (split into parts) in the process. I wanted to listen to them and take their criticisms with grace but I felt like nothing I said had resonated. Worse still, I had ruined any potential relationship I could have formed with them. I was desolate, sweating, and totally non-receptive.

Luckily humans have been granted the gift (and curse) of memory. In reflection, I can enumerate some of the positive statements they made. They are right; other patients at the PHP level are granted the right to exercise and may need to process this right by discussing it. They were correct in calling me out on grouping up with my "safety net" of PHP friends- even if I do not have a rapport with the other PHP-ers, I can still learn from them. They told me that most people feel the way I feel when they enter PHP, and although this made me think they weren't really listening to me, I think it valuable for me to realize that this is just a part of the learning curve. Whether or not I feel comfortable here I am a member of this system, and this system is meant to prepare me for the real world.

In speaking to the group I took a huge risk and did what everyone from my treatment team to the other PHP members advised me to do: take this stage of treatment into my own hands. I commanded the support I needed and received feedback on it. In life, we might not always want to hear what we're told, but we're fools not to listen at all. I might be depressed, dejected and angry, but I will not be a fool.

Just keep swimming!