Please Pray

It's a good thing that one of the principles of this program is flexibility, although I wish I wasn't being called on to test it so soon. Since this treatment center is not in my insurance network, my amazing mother negotiated the single-case coverage that allowed me to come here. Today the agency informed us that I am no longer covered. Unfortunately, we do not have a plan that protects us from these sorts of decisions. This came as a huge shock to my treatment team, my parents and myself, especially because I am still physically unhealthy. My pyschiatrist and the business office are attempting to finagle some sort of deal with insurance, but the prospects of my staying in in-patient treatment are bleak. It looks as if I will be moving to the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) on Thursday evening. PHP is similar to my current treatment in many ways. Patients spend all day in group therapy, meeting with their treatment team (therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, etc.), eating every major meal and two snacks at the program, and recovering within the same theoretical framework and programming. On the other hand, PHP patients live in apartments off the hospital grounds. They are shuttled to treatment at 8 a.m., spend all day here, and then are shuttled back home (with a packed snack) at 7 p.m. They are allowed to eat without being watched, take outdoor breaks when they feel, get coffee, and more. By going straight to PHP, I miss out on some key transitional steps. The general in-patient process consists of the following: 1.) Inpatient (Level 1)- a Personal Care Assistant (PCA) sits with you during meals and snacks; you're checked when you go to the bathroom; you can only shower in the morning; you have your vitals taken every day; you have no priveleges. 2.) Residential (Level 2)- You eat snacks without a PCA present; you can pick up your own snacks (rather than having them pre-set); you don't have to have your bathroom checked; you can shower in the morning or night; you get special passes to go out on snack and meal "challenges." The snack and outing challenges are the biggest part of moving from Level 1 to Level 2, allowing the patient to test out some of their progress in real-world situations. They allow the patient to leave, at first with a nurse, then with other patients, then with a friend, to get a snack or meal. Being able to conquer these snack challenges without giving into urges or mismanaging anxiety is a signal that a patient is ready to move to PHP. Missing out on stages like snack challenges is part of the reason I do not at all feel ready to move to PHP. I also don't feel like I know enough; I still can't explain all the "pillars" to treatment (like mindfulness, the topic of my last blog) and give into my urges, like stretching. I have formed such a strong bond with the other patients here, and after spending so long isolated from friends, it feels almost impossible to make that sort of friendship again. I am petrified about the morning as a PHP patient: I have the vast expanse of 5:30 until 8 a.m. to sit and try to battle the urge to exercise or make a to-do list or fret about the day. And I don't want to face all the decisions of the free-world: should I get coffee? Should I get gum? Should I go for a run? What will I do if I get bored? I am afraid of the break-time, when I can do "whatever I want." I am afraid to leave the safety net of this 5th floor, its staff, and my fellow patients. Just this morning I stood in my room, looked out at the beautiful Denver skyline, and thought, "This is it. I need this, I am happy to be here. I can spend the next weeks of my life on this floor, only going outside for breaks, and not give into my urges, because this is a beautiful experiment and I deserve it. I ask for it, I need it, and it is safe." Then they dropped the bomb. Right now I can also tell you all the reasons why this could be a positive situation. I love a challenge (although the love for being pushed is one of the reasons I landed here). I already know some people in the PHP program and others will follow me there. I don't have to leave this program or switch treatment centers completely. And any treatment program is beneficial, if I take as much as I can from it. Still, I am so scared. It is with the greatest humility that I ask for your prayers. Pray that there is some way for me to stay in inpatient a little longer. Then, pray that PHP is a blessing. Pray that this new opportunity is better than the last and that I can take from it whatever I could have taken from the inpatient process. Pray me some strength, because right now my eyes and head hurt from crying. Just as I'm learning to ask for help, I feel there's nothing that can be done. Also, say a prayer for my loving parents, who came to family therapy today after hours of fighting for the best possible care for their oldest daughter. I am so grateful to them. Thank you.