Contextualization

I see my psychiatrist every day. Since I'm not taking prescription medication, we get to spend the time talking about the mind's limitless functions (his insight was the source of my entry on dreams). Today we discussed the development of feelings into thoughts, thoughts into actions, and actions into traits. Unfortunately, our traits do not always work well for us.

In order to know the usefulness of anything that shows up in your mind, you have to have a context for the thought. Here in treatment values are the context used to interpret our thoughts. Within the first week we are asked to map our values, and within the first two weeks we delve deep into where these values come from, how we act upon them in our daily lives, and how getting healthy will help us to achieve them. Some of my values are social relationships, friends/ family, spirituality, employment/ education/ training, and physical health.

Many of the patients here struggle to name their values. They might be able to name what they like or don't like, what they've lost to the disorder, what they want in life. But labeling specific values can be very difficult for someone whose mind registers multiple emotions in minutes and whose mental alarms ring at the slightest ED trigger.

I have no problem naming my values, and can rattle off the unhealthy actions that I take within my ED to detract from those values. I can also clearly delineate the healthy ways to pursue these values. And I do not lack the motivation to achieve them. Why, then, can I not follow through on them? Why, then, do I revert to the "safety" of my ED habits? That's what I'm here to figure out.

One of the pillars of treatment is "Mindsight," which is the ability to recognize your own and others mental states and recognize them as different from behaviors. It's looking at thoughts, rather than through them. We're constantly asked to identify our feelings from our thoughts. When I have feelings I use my thoughts to fight them or propel them, but I seldom sit with them. It's the feelings of fear or insecurity that create the urges (thoughts) to eat less and exercise. Values are context in which feelings arise.

My psychiatrist advised me to use my mindsight to see when my thoughts apply to my values. For instance, when I think, "I need to do push-ups even while I'm in treatment," I should then see if that thought functions in a healthy or unhealthy way in the pursuit of my values. Does doing ten push-ups help me get better, become more social, show my family that I deserve their care, or propel to my standards of employment? Surely not. In fact, it functions on the unhealthy side. The context that this thought emerges from is fear: I am afraid of the weight gain, afraid of not feeling strong, and afraid of the massive commitment that treatment is. Those are thoughts that turn into unhealthy actions; by focusing on my values, I can alter the course of my feelings.

Now, I ask you: What are the contexts and functions of your behaviors? What values guide your life? And how do your traits work to help or harm the pursuit of your values?

P.S.- This whole re-feeding process seems to have caught up to me, and I've felt really yucky (sometimes tired, sometimes hyper, bloated/ cramped, dizzy, full, hungry, etc.) all day. This is definitely a different physical challenge from anything I've ever done!