Friday, April 22, 2011

Frenemies

I've been planning on doing another vow of silence this week. I felt that it would be a beneficial way for me to internalize some of the struggle, progress and insight I'd gained over the last week and a half of PHP. I wanted a break from trying to make friends, vocalizing my often negative thoughts and really have some quiet down-time with myself. In all honesty, I kept thinking of what a respite being quiet again would be.

I don't necessarily think this is the best way to look at being silent. Eventually, I will be silent as I need, when I need. Reflecting on this, I began to wonder what I could do instead of silence. Riddle me this: What else might serve the purpose of keeping me engaged in the present moment, helping me to connect on a different plane with the people around me, and explore my inner psyche?

It's a wonderful anomaly when someone is actually good at their job. Luckily, my therapist is one of those people. When I requested her feedback on another vow of silence, she responded with a different proposition: a day of without the written word.

A day of not writing? I stared at her blankly for a moment. No journal, no blog, no to-do list?!

For as long as I can remember my planner has been my second thumb. We are great friends, At-A-Glance LifeLinks and I. It goes wherever I go and notes everything I like, want to do, and wonder. Along with Journal, I track nearly every detail of my day, deriving great pleasure from doing so. However, there comes a time when a girl must admit that she's let things get a little out of hand.

In group yesterday we worked on identifying irrational expectations of ourself. For the first time, I realized that I have developed this ridiculous expectation that I should remember everything I hear, from the news report to a piece of spiritual insight. Moreover, I should be able to recall that information to promote conversation and excel in my own pursuits. Writing is a function of this expectation.

My therapist believes that writing is another way for me to live in my own mind, rather than the present moment. Noting leads to strategizing; strategizing is the desire to control. Control enables fear of the unknown. Right now, it is the unknown that I need most.

So, I'm not going to write a dang thing tomorrow. No blog, no journal, no planner, no to-do list. I might forget everything that happens. I might let an errand fall by the wayside. I might even let some brilliant idea leak out my ears. But I'll be there, really there, all day. Or at least I'll try.

I look forward to re-convening with you on Sunday.

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