Flurries with a Chance of Clarity

Today's "fresh air breaks" were indeed fresh, in that every time we filed down to the Einstein's parking lot we were surprised by a different type of weather. In the morning heavy snowflakes floated down, melting before they hit the tarmac; during mid-morning the clouds cleared; during break three it sprinkled the new buds with mist, and just after dinner the world finally calmed down, tucking the sun in between rising towers of mist from the hospital heating vents.

As the day's weather-woman, I observed that the changing atmosphere passed like my thoughts this weekend, and wondered, how am I going to blog about this?! The emotions, activities and thoughts that encompassed my mind's sky were as varied, powerful and serene as any moment of today's weather, changing equally as frequently. At times I resented the program and gave in to my old habits, looking up the nutritional value of my snacks and stretching in the shower. At other times I felt so invigorated, so committed to my goals that completing this program seemed too easy. Then I felt tired because I realized that I needed to reach my goals, that just coming here wasn't enough. I had a lot of work to do and I hadn't even reached the surface of all the things I needed to learn to break my habits and form new mentalities. I felt itchy, like I wanted to go for a run and skip out on snack. This all happened in the span of a 20 minute break, and again ten minutes later, and again after that. Snow rain sleet shine.

The weekends are notoriously dangerous for all patients. On the weekends we look forward to visits from family, special outings (we went to Ceramics in the City- I highly recommend it! And when you go, order a glass of wine for me), arts and crafts, and unplanned leisure time. It's the free time that makes us nervous. Too much time to think can lead to too much thinking, which is a problem most of us have even when there's not enough time. It's also the opportunity to test our new skills, get "homework" done (like completing self-reflections and values assessments), and spend time with the other patients. Free time presents limitless opportunities and nearly as many obstacles.

On Fridays we set goals for the weekends. My goals centered around calming down, finding focus and quiet time, and allowing myself to live in the moment. As my emotional responses to treatment waged war in my mind I struggled to complete these goals. Alas, I have success to report! Over this weekend I found myself spending whole pockets of time completely lost in a task. As my therapist explained, fulfilled and happy people often completely lose themselves in activities, focused so fully on the task at hand that time's mandates disappear. They devote themselves to an enjoyable activity and then genuinely live in the enjoyment of it. I haven't been able to do this in well over a year.

When I sat down at the table to do ceramics, I told myself that I had nothing more to think about; my meals were planned, my workouts could wait, my to-do items were not pressing, and I had a birthday present in my hand to paint. Two hours later, I looked up. My mind was full of energy and yet totally at peace. I saw the pottery in my hand and felt proud of the gift I crafted. I hadn't uttered a word in at least an hour, a phenomenon that I'm sure my table mates appreciated as much as I did. And I felt really, really nice.

Then it happened again today, more frequently even! I spent an hour decorating a picture frame, and another arranging the items I scavenged during fresh air break into a scrapbook (I'll tell you more about interesting litter in another entry!), and thirty minutes making a card for a fellow patient. It felt wonderful and natural to find a task, complete it, and then do whatever next task that inspired. I felt alive and productive, similar to the way I felt after a good workout. Was this what a hobby felt like?

Frankly, that's enough arts and crafts for me for a while. I think this is more ripping, gluing, and bejeweling than I've done since Kindergarten. My name may not be Martha, but when I look at the things I've made, I get the same feeling of tranquil focus and pride, remembering the way I felt when creating them. The mental trigger that causes me to deem certain foods "bad" or exercise "good" is merely a habitual thought process. Calmness through focused activity and the ability to achieve this state is the exact same mental task. All I need to do is refocus, rinse, and repeat.

Every once and a while the sun bursts through the clouds. For those moments the world sighs, breathing in the vitamins, the warmth, and storing this heat in the city tar and tree leaves. Every time the sun shines the world becomes warmer and stronger for longer. It is better prepared to absorb the next heat wave. It's starting to get the hang of things.

This is weather-woman Stewart, predicting sun.