Yesterday was World Trade Day, the World Trade Center, Denver's largest annual event. I am lucky enough to have employers who are both compassionate and driven, because they signed me up as a volunteer despite being unsure of my status in treatment. Of course, I was more than overjoyed to attend. I thought that it would be good for me to get back into the business world, practice a day of conference foods, and use my anxiety strategies and obsessive thought regulation. Plus, I rejoiced in the idea of not being surrounded by psychologists all day!
When I go out into the "real world" now, I am always delighted at how the world seems to mirror my treatment. Jane Eyre had a past like me; the people on Colfax are delightful, rather than scary; potential roommates want to meet new people and relax, too; Will Ferrell's character on "The Office" is obsessed with counting calories. It's like when you accidentally sign up for two classes that perfectly complement each other: the world and my current life pursuits somehow match.
Yesterday, I realized something much more profound. It is is not the world that matches my treatment or my recovery that is accessible within the daily grind. It's me. My new worldview, my understanding of self and connection to others, that's what's changed. My actions are different now. I express myself in a deeper, more accepting way. And because my mind is more alert and open I can't help but keep learning. My recovery really is about the world, what I choose to take from it and the space I make for myself in it. So when I attended World Trade Day, I learned that my new sensitive self was a fine match for the environment. What's more, I learned that other people valued that sort of attitude, too.
At conferences past I marched through the door, cards tucked in every pocket, heels clicking to announce my arrival, and with a stomach full of nerves (not food). I spent the conference trying to be Superhuman: the best aid to my employers with the most new networked connections, dropping my personal elevator pitch on anyone who looked like they might be able to help me. I learned nothing about the other attendees and spent the whole time frazzled. Not to mention that I spent the whole time playing hide-and-seek with the appetizer plates and free lunch.
Yesterday was different. I focused on taking the day slowly, completing one task at a time. My main job was to be of aid to my employers and I took on these activities with an excited calm. I kept my shoulders back, my chin up, and a smile on my face. I also kept eating. At times I grew very frustrated: the thoughts about food being "enough" or "too much" plagued me and I felt guilty for not being more involved with our clients. I compared my body to those of the other women and noted that they, unlike myself, did not finish their lunch or eat their desserts. I kept grabbing my card and committing to cornering the next business person I saw, and then pulling myself back to the moment. Stay Present. Stay Active. Stay Forgiving.
Guess what happened? I made some of the most lucrative and fulfilling business connections I have yet. And our conversations focused on reflection, critical understanding of business culture, and our personal stories, dreams and pursuits. For instance, I met an incredibly impressive business woman because she looked fierce (very well-coiffed modern suit) and I told her so. We talked for over a half hour. The conversation flowed naturally from one topic to the next. We discussed the importance of having confidence in your external persona and how factors like dress are also a business skill. We discussed life choices and the sorts of careers that both play on your skills and enable others to do the same. She talked about lessons in communication learned while working in HR. I related these lessons to some of the communication tactics I've learned while in treatment.
Then there was the fact that our President invited his yoga instructor, a woman who I've heard about many times before. Don't get me wrong: our President is no hippie. In fact, he's the stoic financial-type, neither strikingly humble nor assertively karmic. But he has explained many times the esoteric influence she has had on his life. The fact that he invited her said so much about his nature. As a successful (and masculine) business man, one would think he'd be wary of seeming flexible, sensitive, or new-age. And yet he invited his yoga teacher because he valued his relationship with her and he was not shy of showing that sensitive side of himself. Myself and others found a new respect for him.
Of course, my day would not be complete without engaging the yoga teacher. True to pattern, I learned that it was her sensitivity that helped her find life satisfaction. She, too, was a DU grad who got caught in the mindset engendered by a school (and society) that values short-term success and achievement. She worked with a non-profit in Honduras but explained this to me: "We were all down there to help these people, but when I looked at the them, I saw they were happy. When I looked around at all of us, I saw that no one was happy." So she came back to the States to teach yoga and help people like the WTC's President be happy. It worked.
I did endeavor to continue on my pursuit of connections that foster my journey to Chile, but this came about much more naturally. Actually, it came from my natural inclination for free schwag. When I ventured to a table with free water bottles, I ended up spending a great deal of time discussing international finance, simply because I was curious. It finally dawned on me that this person might be able to help me and I delivered my pitch. He offered me the card of his friend and an online introduction. I don't think that he would have been so willing to give me this information had we not built some sort of connection before.
Finally, there was the wisdom I gained from one of our older partners. We were talking about how successful the conference was. He stated that 20 years ago these sorts of conferences were attended en masse, thriving with people from all different sectors looking to connect. As business became more and more ends-focused, less people were willing to take the time to attend these conferences. He lamented the loss of business relations and networking to quantitative success and increased pressure. I understood that mentality very, very well.
Every one of the connections that I made yesterday was born not of my search for them but of my being present and willing. I was approachable and interested, motivated and calm. Yes, I felt a little uncomfortable showing so much sensitivity, especially as I am very unsure of the meaning of my treatment in moving forward with my career pursuits. But here I was speaking the language of treatment with a completely different audience, and they spoke it back. It made me confident. And when I left, I felt proud.
I need a lot more practice. I do doubt many things about yesterday, like how appropriate it is to joke about treatment with my employers, or how to handle questions about what I've been doing the last six weeks. But I know that my skills do align with my new mentality and that these things will be well-received (if I manage them well) in the business world. I got a good dose of faith and perspective. It tasted good, just like the dessert.
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