Being Judgmental

By now you are most likely aware of the fact that ED sufferers use social isolation as a coping strategy. For me, isolation was a way to hide and propagate my behaviors. If I went out at night with friends, that meant I might be tempted to sleep-in the next morning, which could infringe on my workout. If I drank I might be more tempted to eat, or I might not be as efficient the next day, or I might lay around in my bed like a hungover slug (just a note: I can't wait for the time when I can be a guiltless hungover slug). I was so afraid of losing control of my actions that I simply would not let myself get into any compromising position.

Because I was putting so much effort into being in control of my life, I felt the need to have that effort validated by those around me. For years I had been told that I was "smart," that I had "the perfect body," and that I would be "successful." I thought everyone around me held me to these standards and was fearful that they might see my weaknesses. So I created higher and higher expectations for my actions, wanting not only to prove others right but to amaze them with my abilities.

When other people didn't contribute a similar amount of effort to the endeavors that I was killing myself to complete it was a hint that I might be out of line. Rather than admit I was hurting myself and trying to change (i.e., face myself), I blamed everyone else for being lazy/immoral/immature. It was so much easier to tell everyone else that they were in the wrong than admit I might be.

I thoroughly regret treating others with such disrespect. No one was safe from my wrath; my parents, roommates, ex-boyfriend, and friends all felt my judgment at one point or another. I cannot stress enough that it actually had everything to do with my own insecurities and nothing at all to do with their life choices. I want to use this space to apologize.

To anyone who ever felt judged by me, I am sorry. To anyone who ever felt like I thought them inadequate, silly or wasteful, I am sorry. To anyone who believed that I didn't value them as a friend or family member, I am sorry. And to myself, I am sorry, because I allowed this hurtful disease to get in the way of the most beautiful things in my life- the people that I love.

Thank You for standing by me. Thank God for second chances!