Being Oblivious

Sarah Casewit Photography: http://www.sarahcasewit.com/

Happy Spring! It's been a cold one, huh?

Rather than blog in the morning, I've been greeting the sun by preparing my Powerpoint for the symposium. After many insightful responses from you, as well as some good discussions with the other patients and my therapist, I decided to attend. It's an odd phenomenon, when the thing that used to rules one's life becomes their greatest fear. My life in ED was conducted through short-term, quantitative successes. If I got this grade on a paper, then I could be proud; if I worked out more hours than yesterday, then my day would feel complete. Trying so hard to be successful in external, measurable pursuits was really a guard against failure. It protected me from admitting how fallible I really fely. But it never ended; there was always more to do and not enough being done, slowly squishing out any other satisfactions in my life. I was a working, producing machine.

To me, the symposium represented that lifestyle. If I felt the familiar accomplishment after a job well done, I would remember how good I was at it, and how much easier it was to register short-term successes rather than continue to work on my values (social life, spiritual self, health). I had promised myself that I would never return to living in a box and didn't want to touch anything academic with a 10-foot pole. Moreover, I had no faith in myself. You see, when I was in India I developed a similar outlook. After connecting with myself and the world around me (and gaining a lot of perspective) I promised that I would never allow myself to become out-of-touch with love and satisfaction again. One month later I had shed all the weight and the motivation. Here I was again, committing to the same things. Would this time be any different?

Still, I had the support of my treatment team, friends and family. They could hold me accountable to the new values I held so dear. There was no better time than now for challenging myself. Running from potential success really didn't make any sense.

So, I've been dedicating my mornings to working on my presentation. I've been taking my time with it, only doing about an hour a day, and staying focused on my thoughts and feelings during that time. It feels good to do something academic again, like riding a bike after winter-time. Then, when I woke up this morning, I realized that all I really wanted to do was blog. The old guilt crept in: my presentation is priority and incomplete; I didn't deserve or have the time to blog. Sorry, guys: I used a little treatment-taught awareness to recognize that thought and nipped it in the bud, gifting you with this ranting post instead. Blogging is fun and therapeutic for me. I deserve as much attention as my presentation does. And the presentation will get done, I can have faith in that. Therefore, I'd like to tell you about some of the things ED hid from me within it...

To complete the presentation I've had to read my entire paper again. It's sad how much I forgot; I blame the lack of fat in my brain. It's also enlightening to rediscover how much I really love the topic and the enjoyment I got out of completing it. In reviewing the work I've noticed several lessons that now seem so obvious but that I was completely oblivious to in the moment. I was miserable and in denial, all the while completing a project that highlighted so much of what I was dealing with. I couldn't even comprehend my own ideas.

For instance, the entire project is based on the coping strategies utilized by refugees in the short-term. To quote myself, "Emotion-focused coping is based on 'managing distress rather than changing the problem situation,' whereas other refugees may turn to social support...Problem-based coping is directed at changing the situation that is causing distress, attempting to alter it by learning new attitudes and skill-sets." I was absolutely using emotion-focused coping, exercising and throwing myself into my career/education in order to avoid the real problem: feeling inadequate and distrustful.

Or this: "Adjustments within these realms [like clothing and social life] are navigated based on a variety of personal characteristics, including particular challenges the refugees encounter, the situation from which they fled, their previous understanding of the American life and culture, and the structure of their living situations." Personal characteristic: perfectionism. What I fled: feeling intimate and accountable to others. Previous understanding: I was a healthy, physically-inclined, confident woman. Structure of my living situation: alone. Resulting adjustment: orthorexia, over-exercise, restricting, obsession.

Or what about the conclusion, which states that refugees carefully choose which new American cultural traits and attitudes to espouse and which of their own traditions to retain. They create an actionable cocktail that is most advantageous to fulfillment of their short-term needs. The ensuing adjustments help them to do things like secure employment and feel safe, but they are often useless or even detrimental in the long-run. Once the refugee earns a position, most of the adjustment they undertook to get there become irrelevant. Here I was, working my mind and body to their breaking point to fulfill my short-term desires, completely oblivious to the fact that I was setting myself up for long-term dissatisfaction.

It's not surprising that I didn't see these lessons. I mostly saw this: PB & J at 5:00. Gym at 5:30. Work out for 2 hours. Internship at 10:00. Lunch at 12:30. Multi-task multi-task multi-task. Snack at 4:00. Emily Griffith School for project at 4:30. Keep it together. Home at 7:00. Dinner at 7:30. Complete something, anything, from 8:30-10:00. Fatigue. Pass out by 10:30. Rinse and repeat.

I can see clearly now; the pain has gone. I am so grateful for awareness, for second chances, and for brain cells. I am scared for the symposium, but I'm ready to jump in. I want to feel proud and complete. I want to feel whole. The lessons around me will light my way.