Looking Toward the Future

I chose this image because it conveys a level of maturity that I feel is most conducive to my recovery (i.e., less is more). The elephant is also symbolic of the speed at which I am attempting to plan my future. If anyone ever thought moving at an elephant's pace was easier than that of a cheetah, I challenge them to an hour in my mind.

As I start looking for a place to live and a job, I've begun to feel anxious about what's ahead. I am worried that I won't find a good roommate or that I will have to live in my parents house for some time before I find a place of my own. I am very nervous that I won't be able to make new friends and that I will be isolated with my own thoughts. I wonder if I'm settling for a "fun" job because I'm not adequate enough for the jobs in my career field, and I'm so desperate for an income that I'll take whatever comes my way regardless of how it promotes my future aspirations. Then, I really start to worry: what if I never get to Chile? What if I get stuck in Denver for the rest of my life? What will it feel like if I'm still here in two years, living within walking distance of my parent's and working in a job that has nothing to do with my dreams? What will my dreams be then?

I was discussing this with my parents last night. The big topic was: is it better to invest my time searching for a job in my career field (one that might lead to me going to Chile or some other foreign location) or find something fun/steady for the time-being while I reestablish some balance? This is a classic therapeutic dilemma, because both options support my values. A job that supports my dreams is one that fosters my values of career/education and spirituality. A steady paycheck and laid-back list of duties also supports my spirit and may foster other values like social relations and education. So what is "better?"

My parents offered some sage advice, and in hindsight I see this dilemma as another instance at which my quest for production and efficiency encourage me to alter the world around me. As my mom pointed out, I try so hard to use my intention and power to affect everything around me. I want life so bad that I try to make it the way I hope it can be rather than letting it lead me. When I sit back and let life take it's own course I usually find that it goes my way. I'm a pretty lucky person, actually. And the more I try to alter it the more inadequate I feel.

So I'm trying to take it slow and leave my options open. A smart person is someone who never backs themselves into a corner; they give themselves choices and use wisdom, acceptance, and values to choose. I'm going to try to find a stable job in whatever space seems most fun, bulking up my capital and giving myself time to re-develop myself in the real world. I'm going to keep networking and pursuing my international career objectives (thanks, in large part, to my awesome internship at the World Trade Center) and make sure that I have two days off per week. I'm going to bulk up my resources, keeping mindfulness, self-care and social relations at the top of my priority list. And I'm going to relax, explore, and let the world offer me what it wants.

I'm still afraid of settling, of losing track of my dreams. I'm practicing having faith. But every time I see that cheetah run near, I'll turn around, climb on my little elephant, and take stock of what's around me. Dumbo and I are going to be good pals.