The world is full of paradoxes. While it's wisest not to read too far into these situations (as the Jewish say, l'chaim) a certain paradox in my own life has demanded my attention for the past week. I'm intent on discerning its traits and alleviating its burden. This paradox lies in my (in)ability to communicate well.
It may seem odd that I am unsure of whether I am an extremely skilled or skillfully atrocious communicator. Take a moment to read the following selection of comments regarding my communications, taken from the last week, and you may understand wherein the confusion arises:
In an interview, after a sales role-play: "That was really good. So few people know how to hold a conversation with a stranger. It's shocking how many people just clam up, but you jumped right in."
In an interview at a restaurant: "You need to learn how to talk less. The general consensus here is that you talk too much."
From a client: "You're ability to communicate and network is really your greatest asset."
From my EDA group: "I know that you want a dialogue, but this really isn't appropriate here."
From my family: Nothing. Because I barely communicate with them at all.
Sometimes my outspoken nature and articulate self-expression are applauded, sometimes inappropriate. In one instance it almost landed me a job; in the other it sent me one step closer to claiming Unemployment. I can ask too many questions, or not the right question, or just the right question, or no question at all. And while all of these aspects are valuable communication methods, I can never seem to use them in the right place, at the right time, or with the right audience.
While shy people are often misidentified as being rude, talkative and aggressive people are often believed to be confident and socially at-ease. For me, this is far from the truth. One of the reasons that I have such a difficult time communicating is because I'm thinking about it. Sure, I have the confidence and imagination to strike up a conversation with a stranger. And I am adept at dialoguing with acquaintances for hours at a time. But I spend most of those conversations engaged in a second mental discussion, trying to determine what sorts of questions to ask next, how the person is responding to me, whether I'm asking too much or too little, and any other number of variables. Rather than helping facilitate my communication these thought processes actually deter from my listening and the fulfillment that my partner may experience. It causes me to interrupt the other, to jump from one topic to another, or to act just a little distracted and bizarre. I want so badly to connect with the person across the table from me that I end up barely connecting with them at all.
I struggle very deeply to deal with this habit. Conversations can become so stressful to me that I end up being asocial or making sure that my social time is spent "doing something" with the other person, offering an endless stream of things to comment on or the ability to hide behind the stimulation. I also think it may be the reason that I act so aloof around my family; I'm wary of starting a conversation because I know I'll feel drained afterward. I know that this issue has kept me from more than one opportunity to create a new personal connection, land a job, or get to know my friends and family better. I want very badly to be able to relax socially, say nothing at all, or laugh without foreshadowing it.
Of course, when I'm underfed or obsessing about food my ability to communicate gets exponentially worse. I can't begin to tell you how distracting it is to try to have conversation with one person while listening to the little man in your head obsess about what to eat/ how to eat/ when to eat/ feeling hungry. I become anxious, acting and feeling like a chipmunk stuck in a spinning wheel. When I'm hungry and disordered, efficient communication is my last priority in energy expenditure.
A few weeks ago I decided to practice one patience activity every week. The first activity I chose was "Pick Your Battles." After one week I happily acknowledged that it was one week too short and that to really practice patience I needed to be patient. So I've extended those activities to bi-weekly alterations. The reason I decided to keep "Pick Your Battles" around was because I found it helped in my communication. When I catch myself poorly communicating I almost immediately jump to judging myself for it: Why can't you just relax? Why did you cut them off again? Are you actually listening? Why do you talk so much about yourself? Why do you ask so many questions and not talk about yourself more? Picking my battles allowed me to say, "I'm not going to judge myself for that. I'm just not going to cut them off again." It gave me the permission not to worry about what was happening and to stay in the moment: the battle outside was enough.
Still, I could use more work on communication. I'm not sure how to handle it exactly. There's so much involved: self-consciousness, lack of self-awareness, genuine and uninhibited curiosity, a desire to avoid talking about myself and an inability not to try to insert my own statements as a means to connection. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. For now I'm going to search for my next patience activity with this dilemma in mind.
People keep telling me that it's part of being young. That's fine, except for the fact that I haven't gotten a paycheck in 6 months and am sick of going to lunch as my primary means of socializing. I'm about to land on the moon and I've still got no idea how to speak Martian.
No comments:
Post a Comment