Sarah Casewit Photography: http://www.sarahcasewit.com/p/portraits-from-all-over.html
One of the first things we're taught in treatment is how to determine the difference between pleasure and satisfaction. By our definition, pleasure is the short-term enjoyment or wish fulfillment that one experiences by undertaking some sort of action, like eating a piece of chocolate cake, calling a friend on the phone, or engaging in behaviors. When one is living a values-filled life the small things that provide them pleasure also bring them satisfaction, which is longer-lasting fulfillment. Acting on impulse may bring momentary pleasure but does not equate to satisfaction. This is the reason why many people continuously seek out means to pleasure; they're never totally satisfied. Knowing that giving in to behaviors only provides pleasurable (not satisfying) benefits is a big part to determining what we really want in our lives.
Before treatment I rarely did fun things for myself and when I did I viewed them purely through a pleasure-seeking lens. When I did allow myself to go out with friends, eat at a restaurant or take the day off working out, I needed it to provide X-amount of fun or X-amount of "worthwhile-ness," otherwise I would be completely let down and feel even more incentive to return to my isolated, claustrophobic life. Sometimes I found the pleasure I sought; I'd go out dancing and feel happy the next morning. But that was what it was limited to: those few hours of fun and then the daily grind returned. Back to my old habits, my paradoxically safe and scary nest.
I was in a bit of a funk this last weekend, most notable in me being quiet and disconnected to my family. Still, I did things to pursue my values and have fun. I went out Friday evening, spent the day with a friend Saturday, helped my parents in the yard and went to Jazz in the Park on Sunday. I thoroughly enjoyed all of this and did it without thinking very much, just going with the flow. Actually, I didn't really notice how much fun I was having. It felt natural and true.
I was in a fantastic mood on Monday and realized it was because I chose a fun, values-filled weekend. It's true that the moments I experienced didn't feel as exciting and "up" as I may have hoped they would in my ED, but I also didn't set any standards for what I wanted them to be. And even though I may have been a little lost in some of the moments, I realized that I still felt pleased by them days later.
This is what I've come to understand: when one does what feels right, what sounds right, and what's good for them, they can get both pleasure and satisfaction out of their life. A lot of the people in treatment needed to learn how to see the big picture and spend less time seeking pleasure in the moment. I, on the other hand, have been focusing on learning how to live the moment, how to ride the waves of life with my head thrown back and feet relaxed. Pleasure is good for me. But when the pleasure that I experience is true to the person I am inside, it's more than good for me- it's satisfying. Pleasurable moments become satisfied states of being. All for one, one for all. Plastisfaction, or Seteasure, that's what it is.
This is the difference between being in a good mood with my eating disorder and being satisfied with my new life. The bar has been raised; my quality of life and standard of happiness are much higher than the status quo I was attempting to maintain. Previously, I was unable to be totally happy in any moment, let alone all the moments that make up living. Now, the moments may be calmer but the enjoyment, pride and satisfaction roll over and over on themselves, enveloping me in a snowball of nicety.
I like this.
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