Changing my Mind

Sarah Casewit Photography: http://www.sarahcasewit.com/p/nature.html

Early on in my college career I was given two pieces of advice. The first: Do what you say you will do. The second: A successful person always gives themselves options. I internalized these ideas and have been living with them in mind ever since. The first was particularly influential: I realized that I am someone who does follow through with their ideas and that being accountable to them is a strong motivation to follow through. In fact, I got so good at doing what I said I would do that it became the only thing I could do. I would do completely eliminated my ability to do something other than what I said or to do something unsaid. It eliminated my ability to change my mind. I gave myself no options, whatsoever.

I realized this while rollerblading the other day. I considered the meaning behind "changing one's mind." To me, changing my mind meant that my first decision was inadequate. Maybe I didn't properly take all variables into account. Maybe I let myself settle on something. Maybe I moved too quickly or too slowly. And who did I let down in changing my mind? Who could trust me in my decision retraction? Changing my mind meant that somewhere along the line I had failed. That was not an option.

So instead I fell into a pattern of indecisiveness. Every decision I had to make mattered so much because it's implementation was a measure of my mental capability. When every option potentially led to my demise the game became choosing the least harmful option. Harm avoidance was not the goal, though, because a good decision meant that I could claim achievement. I needed to prove to myself and all those people who I thought were watching me that I could do the right thing, make the best decision, take hold of my life. Unfortunately, "better" is an infinite ideal.

Despite rollerblading at top speed, my fickle little friend, Doubt, caught right up to me. A counter-point popped into my head. Changing one's mind became confused with changing my person, because if I was willing to change my mind didn't that mean that I was altering my thoughts? In treatment we're thought to respect our thoughts as being just that, to watch them pass by like leaves on the water and pay attention to our feelings. We don't alter them, we don't manipulate them, we don't judge them. Changing my mind meant that I used my thoughts to affect my actions. So how could I change my mind and be who I was?

Then I realized: my mind has nothing to do with my spirit. My feelings are the precursor to my mind. And the very term "changing my mind" was a misnomer. When I make a decision I choose to step forward. I make the decision because it's what's best for me at that time; it's what feels right. If I step into a puddle, I can move my foot to the side. "Changing one's mind" thus becomes "living the life you're given," wherein all mental and spiritual processes interact with the cards one's dealt. It's experimentation and openness and experience.

If you want to put it that way then, yes, I am someone who changes my mind. I am someone who decides to take a step and ends up in a puddle. I'll probably sit out in the sun to dry off my pants and then decide to take another step. Hopefully that one will be a little less wet. I change what I do in a way that does not sacrifice what I am. I give myself options and that just makes sense.