A New Direction

Originally, I created this blog as a means to document one of the biggest, most exciting times in my life: my study abroad experience in India. It was a means to share events and ideas with my friends family, helping us to keep in touch at a time when it was either difficult or taxing to contact individuals. Many people, some of whom I had no idea were following, expressed that they appreciated the blog and felt as connected to me as I felt to them, even though we were so far from one another. It's been sitting here, untouched, ever since; I've been wondering if there might be a time when this page could come in handy. I think I may have found it.

As many of you are aware, I have decided to enter into the Residential Treatment Program at the Eating Recovery Center of Denver. The ERC is one of the premier eating disorder care programs in the nation, attracting men and women from many different states. Unfortunately, that means that there is a waitlist, and I'm on it, doing just that- waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and thinking, way too much. In some ways the wait is beneficial: it means that when I enter the program, I will be truly committed and ready. However, I feel so sure, confidant and ready to make this change, that the waiting feels useless. Hopefully I will get in sometime early next week. I'll keep you posted (cue drums)!

Many people are wondering what exactly "I have": anorexia? Bulimia? Exercise bulimia? And how it developed. I am an obsessive-compulsive exerciser: I never feel like I've exercised enough and always want to be in the best possible shape. It's an escape mechanism and a way of making me feel proud and accomplished. In this disorder, I exercise for upwards of 3 hours a day, and it's taking it's toll on my body, my mind, and my sanity. Along with the exercise is obsessive eating: I only want to eat the "healthiest" possible food and as much as it takes to propel my exercise schedule. I have never worried about being fat or had a problem with my body; in fact, body confidence is something I've only lost because of exercise (I wish I still had a booty!) and I can't wait to get my rounder figure back. Truly, the food and exercise come back to the same basic premise: I want to be the best I can be, in every way, at all times.

I once read a quote: "Attempting to be superhuman will only result in being sub-par." Oops.

So, after about a year of this behavior, the impact on my life is obvious and atrocious. I have lost the majority of my friends (I was unwilling to go out, potentially gaining weight and feeling too hungover to work out), my health, several jobs, my boyfriend, and caused limitless worry to those who I care most about. Moreover, I feel like I've been wasting my time. It's silly and fruitless to live this way, obsessing about what doesn't matter because I stress myself out over what does. Hiding behind the disorder is no longer effective, and I'm ready to make the change.

My goals help drive me through this process. First, I want to go to Chile, working with a U.S.-based company who has partners or branches in the region. I want to get my graduate degree at the University of Santiago there. I want to eat Chilean food and dance the salsa and flirt with cute Chilean boys. I will do this, and I will be healthy.

I want to be an inspirational group fitness instructor. After years of considering it I had finally earned my certification a few months ago and was working with a couple different Boot Camps. I adore teaching fitness- it's so much fun to help others find their healthy selves, and I get a kick out of cracking jokes and jumping around like a squirrel on ADHD meds. It's just for me, but unless I can maintain a healthy self, how am I supposed to be energetic enough? I refuse to be a hypocrite.

I want to be spiritual. Exercising has taken the place of my self-awareness, my feelings of self-worth, and my emotional connection with those powers outside of myself. I don't have the energy to consider greater beings, and in this realm I have lost one of the most important aspects of being a human being. I can't wait to reconnect with the Emily that is in Jesus or darma or Shakti or whatever else is out there. They know I'm there and they will show me myself.

In conclusion, I'd like to offer a warning to any reader of this blog: it could get ugly. I am hoping that people from all parts of my life, from mentors to Uncles, can read this to stay up-to-date with my (sure) progress when I'm inaccessible. I also think it could end up very, very interesting. This might be my only chance at 15 minutes of fame: Celebrity Rehab! I'm going to give it a try. If I feel like it's getting too invasive at either end of the screen I'll cut it. For now, please comment, respond, and ask questions. I love you, and I want you in.

Wish me luck!