My best friend, Laura, first showed me this youtube video. Just watch it and you'll know why I posted it here!!
Jessica's Daily Affirmation
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Something to be Proud of
A good friend of mine recommended that I find something to be proud of every single day. This actually isn't too hard when you have very low expectations. Like, eating the sample of sushi at Queen Soopers (yes, Queen Soopers in the ghetto gives out free sushi samples. And half of you are still sheltered in the burbs!). That was formerly an off-limits food, and I ate it in one gulp. Or the pizza we made last night- I invented a Thai shrimp Boboli that was to die for. And accompanied it with three glasses of wine.
What may seem like a typical night for most can be extremely difficult for people struggling with eating disorders, and last night is a great example. The extremes that are felt during a single moment like that are limitless: at one point, I was proud of myself for eating pizza and enjoying the moment, but as the night wore on the guilt set in, and then dessert happened, and then I started doing what they call "engaging in behavior:" I signed up for an early-morning workout class and planned how I could secretly get in as much possible activity during the day. I got irritable and anxious- practically chewed a whole pack of gum, for goodness sakes. And I just wanted everyone to shut up.
But guess what? I didn't go to the workout class (let's chalk this one up to willpower, not wine...)! And guess what? I'm going to go to Ethiopian food with my Professor today! And guess what? I'm going to stop worrying about this stupid stuff because it made last night less fun and makes this beautiful morning, with the sun coming in the windows and my coffee brewing, less valuable. And we all know that if there is anything in this world that deserves its due respect, it's the wonderfully legal drug known as coffee.
A note on lunch: I am going with the Professor who oversaw my Partners in Scholarship Research Project, A Case Study of the Colorado Refugee English as a Second Language Program. He's was so important to my work and an absolutely brilliant man, and this is our celebration of me having finished my project. I also presented the project to the CRESL school for the first time a few days ago. If they like it, they are considering using it in their curriculum, and it could end up at the desk of the Denver Commissioner for Refugees. I am so proud of the project and so honored to have worked with my Professor, the teachers at CRESL, and the refugees. If there's a place to give me a little perspective on my "issues," I think refugee programs are it! Too bad they're on Spring Break!
Thank you to everyone for your responses, both here and on e-mail. I cannot fathom how I became so lucky as to live in a world with you people. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm praying for and thinking about and love you, too! And I'm wishing you the very best morning: coffee (decaff black tea for Alison and green tea for Uncle Dave), maybe a little bit of quiet, and an honest day. Cheers!
What may seem like a typical night for most can be extremely difficult for people struggling with eating disorders, and last night is a great example. The extremes that are felt during a single moment like that are limitless: at one point, I was proud of myself for eating pizza and enjoying the moment, but as the night wore on the guilt set in, and then dessert happened, and then I started doing what they call "engaging in behavior:" I signed up for an early-morning workout class and planned how I could secretly get in as much possible activity during the day. I got irritable and anxious- practically chewed a whole pack of gum, for goodness sakes. And I just wanted everyone to shut up.
But guess what? I didn't go to the workout class (let's chalk this one up to willpower, not wine...)! And guess what? I'm going to go to Ethiopian food with my Professor today! And guess what? I'm going to stop worrying about this stupid stuff because it made last night less fun and makes this beautiful morning, with the sun coming in the windows and my coffee brewing, less valuable. And we all know that if there is anything in this world that deserves its due respect, it's the wonderfully legal drug known as coffee.
A note on lunch: I am going with the Professor who oversaw my Partners in Scholarship Research Project, A Case Study of the Colorado Refugee English as a Second Language Program. He's was so important to my work and an absolutely brilliant man, and this is our celebration of me having finished my project. I also presented the project to the CRESL school for the first time a few days ago. If they like it, they are considering using it in their curriculum, and it could end up at the desk of the Denver Commissioner for Refugees. I am so proud of the project and so honored to have worked with my Professor, the teachers at CRESL, and the refugees. If there's a place to give me a little perspective on my "issues," I think refugee programs are it! Too bad they're on Spring Break!
Thank you to everyone for your responses, both here and on e-mail. I cannot fathom how I became so lucky as to live in a world with you people. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm praying for and thinking about and love you, too! And I'm wishing you the very best morning: coffee (decaff black tea for Alison and green tea for Uncle Dave), maybe a little bit of quiet, and an honest day. Cheers!
Friday, March 25, 2011
A New Direction
Originally, I created this blog as a means to document one of the biggest, most exciting times in my life: my study abroad experience in India. It was a means to share events and ideas with my friends family, helping us to keep in touch at a time when it was either difficult or taxing to contact individuals. Many people, some of whom I had no idea were following, expressed that they appreciated the blog and felt as connected to me as I felt to them, even though we were so far from one another. It's been sitting here, untouched, ever since; I've been wondering if there might be a time when this page could come in handy. I think I may have found it.
As many of you are aware, I have decided to enter into the Residential Treatment Program at the Eating Recovery Center of Denver. The ERC is one of the premier eating disorder care programs in the nation, attracting men and women from many different states. Unfortunately, that means that there is a waitlist, and I'm on it, doing just that- waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and thinking, way too much. In some ways the wait is beneficial: it means that when I enter the program, I will be truly committed and ready. However, I feel so sure, confidant and ready to make this change, that the waiting feels useless. Hopefully I will get in sometime early next week. I'll keep you posted (cue drums)!
Many people are wondering what exactly "I have": anorexia? Bulimia? Exercise bulimia? And how it developed. I am an obsessive-compulsive exerciser: I never feel like I've exercised enough and always want to be in the best possible shape. It's an escape mechanism and a way of making me feel proud and accomplished. In this disorder, I exercise for upwards of 3 hours a day, and it's taking it's toll on my body, my mind, and my sanity. Along with the exercise is obsessive eating: I only want to eat the "healthiest" possible food and as much as it takes to propel my exercise schedule. I have never worried about being fat or had a problem with my body; in fact, body confidence is something I've only lost because of exercise (I wish I still had a booty!) and I can't wait to get my rounder figure back. Truly, the food and exercise come back to the same basic premise: I want to be the best I can be, in every way, at all times.
I once read a quote: "Attempting to be superhuman will only result in being sub-par." Oops.
So, after about a year of this behavior, the impact on my life is obvious and atrocious. I have lost the majority of my friends (I was unwilling to go out, potentially gaining weight and feeling too hungover to work out), my health, several jobs, my boyfriend, and caused limitless worry to those who I care most about. Moreover, I feel like I've been wasting my time. It's silly and fruitless to live this way, obsessing about what doesn't matter because I stress myself out over what does. Hiding behind the disorder is no longer effective, and I'm ready to make the change.
My goals help drive me through this process. First, I want to go to Chile, working with a U.S.-based company who has partners or branches in the region. I want to get my graduate degree at the University of Santiago there. I want to eat Chilean food and dance the salsa and flirt with cute Chilean boys. I will do this, and I will be healthy.
I want to be an inspirational group fitness instructor. After years of considering it I had finally earned my certification a few months ago and was working with a couple different Boot Camps. I adore teaching fitness- it's so much fun to help others find their healthy selves, and I get a kick out of cracking jokes and jumping around like a squirrel on ADHD meds. It's just for me, but unless I can maintain a healthy self, how am I supposed to be energetic enough? I refuse to be a hypocrite.
I want to be spiritual. Exercising has taken the place of my self-awareness, my feelings of self-worth, and my emotional connection with those powers outside of myself. I don't have the energy to consider greater beings, and in this realm I have lost one of the most important aspects of being a human being. I can't wait to reconnect with the Emily that is in Jesus or darma or Shakti or whatever else is out there. They know I'm there and they will show me myself.
In conclusion, I'd like to offer a warning to any reader of this blog: it could get ugly. I am hoping that people from all parts of my life, from mentors to Uncles, can read this to stay up-to-date with my (sure) progress when I'm inaccessible. I also think it could end up very, very interesting. This might be my only chance at 15 minutes of fame: Celebrity Rehab! I'm going to give it a try. If I feel like it's getting too invasive at either end of the screen I'll cut it. For now, please comment, respond, and ask questions. I love you, and I want you in.
Wish me luck!
As many of you are aware, I have decided to enter into the Residential Treatment Program at the Eating Recovery Center of Denver. The ERC is one of the premier eating disorder care programs in the nation, attracting men and women from many different states. Unfortunately, that means that there is a waitlist, and I'm on it, doing just that- waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and thinking, way too much. In some ways the wait is beneficial: it means that when I enter the program, I will be truly committed and ready. However, I feel so sure, confidant and ready to make this change, that the waiting feels useless. Hopefully I will get in sometime early next week. I'll keep you posted (cue drums)!
Many people are wondering what exactly "I have": anorexia? Bulimia? Exercise bulimia? And how it developed. I am an obsessive-compulsive exerciser: I never feel like I've exercised enough and always want to be in the best possible shape. It's an escape mechanism and a way of making me feel proud and accomplished. In this disorder, I exercise for upwards of 3 hours a day, and it's taking it's toll on my body, my mind, and my sanity. Along with the exercise is obsessive eating: I only want to eat the "healthiest" possible food and as much as it takes to propel my exercise schedule. I have never worried about being fat or had a problem with my body; in fact, body confidence is something I've only lost because of exercise (I wish I still had a booty!) and I can't wait to get my rounder figure back. Truly, the food and exercise come back to the same basic premise: I want to be the best I can be, in every way, at all times.
I once read a quote: "Attempting to be superhuman will only result in being sub-par." Oops.
So, after about a year of this behavior, the impact on my life is obvious and atrocious. I have lost the majority of my friends (I was unwilling to go out, potentially gaining weight and feeling too hungover to work out), my health, several jobs, my boyfriend, and caused limitless worry to those who I care most about. Moreover, I feel like I've been wasting my time. It's silly and fruitless to live this way, obsessing about what doesn't matter because I stress myself out over what does. Hiding behind the disorder is no longer effective, and I'm ready to make the change.
My goals help drive me through this process. First, I want to go to Chile, working with a U.S.-based company who has partners or branches in the region. I want to get my graduate degree at the University of Santiago there. I want to eat Chilean food and dance the salsa and flirt with cute Chilean boys. I will do this, and I will be healthy.
I want to be an inspirational group fitness instructor. After years of considering it I had finally earned my certification a few months ago and was working with a couple different Boot Camps. I adore teaching fitness- it's so much fun to help others find their healthy selves, and I get a kick out of cracking jokes and jumping around like a squirrel on ADHD meds. It's just for me, but unless I can maintain a healthy self, how am I supposed to be energetic enough? I refuse to be a hypocrite.
I want to be spiritual. Exercising has taken the place of my self-awareness, my feelings of self-worth, and my emotional connection with those powers outside of myself. I don't have the energy to consider greater beings, and in this realm I have lost one of the most important aspects of being a human being. I can't wait to reconnect with the Emily that is in Jesus or darma or Shakti or whatever else is out there. They know I'm there and they will show me myself.
In conclusion, I'd like to offer a warning to any reader of this blog: it could get ugly. I am hoping that people from all parts of my life, from mentors to Uncles, can read this to stay up-to-date with my (sure) progress when I'm inaccessible. I also think it could end up very, very interesting. This might be my only chance at 15 minutes of fame: Celebrity Rehab! I'm going to give it a try. If I feel like it's getting too invasive at either end of the screen I'll cut it. For now, please comment, respond, and ask questions. I love you, and I want you in.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Back in the U.S.A.
Welcome back!
Obviously, I am returned from India and just completing my Winter quarter here at DU. It's been a pretty smooth transition, although some aspects were difficult. At first I was excited to jump back into my busy, productive daily routine. However, I soon found myself resenting having to once again make my own decisions. For almost four months I only decided when to rise, what time to attend yoga, and whether or not to do my homework (which, of course, I did!) Suddenly I had to find a house, pick my class schedule, start working, and make my own food (which is nothing compared to Chitra's grub). Even though I was busy in India I forgot how different it was to be busy in America, and I was not sure if I was ready for it. Luckily, I've been able to retrieve balance over the last months and am feeling much more at ease!
I had planned only to keep this blog as a means of updating family and friends about my time abroad. However, I've been thinking (I do so on occasion) and I have decided that in the current socio/cultural climate a blog like this might be of greater personal and career-oriented interests. So, I plan to extend Time in the Temple City as a means for updating friends, family and potential networking connections on my current pursuits. I may upload updated resumes and other similar documents. What do you think? Would you, as employers and family members, read it?
Thanks for your input, and for the Girl Scout cookies/ dinners out/ fixing of my computer...
Emily
Thanks for all your suppo
Obviously, I am returned from India and just completing my Winter quarter here at DU. It's been a pretty smooth transition, although some aspects were difficult. At first I was excited to jump back into my busy, productive daily routine. However, I soon found myself resenting having to once again make my own decisions. For almost four months I only decided when to rise, what time to attend yoga, and whether or not to do my homework (which, of course, I did!) Suddenly I had to find a house, pick my class schedule, start working, and make my own food (which is nothing compared to Chitra's grub). Even though I was busy in India I forgot how different it was to be busy in America, and I was not sure if I was ready for it. Luckily, I've been able to retrieve balance over the last months and am feeling much more at ease!
I had planned only to keep this blog as a means of updating family and friends about my time abroad. However, I've been thinking (I do so on occasion) and I have decided that in the current socio/cultural climate a blog like this might be of greater personal and career-oriented interests. So, I plan to extend Time in the Temple City as a means for updating friends, family and potential networking connections on my current pursuits. I may upload updated resumes and other similar documents. What do you think? Would you, as employers and family members, read it?
Thanks for your input, and for the Girl Scout cookies/ dinners out/ fixing of my computer...
Emily
Thanks for all your suppo
Friday, November 20, 2009
This is my last Indian update! My train to Chennai leaves tomorrow evening after the SITA Program Farewell Tea. It's tradition: all the families, friends and host students have tea and say their goodbyes at a hotel near the center. If a student wishes to they can perform their extracurricular activity for the group. Sarah and Asumi will do traditional Indian dance; Laura will sing; Danielle will play violin; and I will go yoga! I am very nervous to get up in front of the entire group of people and bend myself in ways often unbecoming, but it's a rite of passage. To make it a little more interesting I've written a fairytale to go along with the moves; in it, my name is Yoga Lakshmi. I try to wake up, get yelled at in class, walk across bridges, and salute the sun. Hopefully, the story will make it a little more interesting...
I finished my paper a day early and turned in all 30 pages with a flourish! I am so proud of the work I put into it and plan to add it to my DU Portfolio- as soon as I get back I'm going to try to find an internship! Luckily, I finished the majority of the work the week before the paper was due, because I got very sick last Tuesday and ended up in the hospital. Don't worry; contrary to popular belief India has some of the best hospitals in the world so I was well taken care of. I was diagnosed with Chicken Gonya, a fever that has been plaguing this part of India and causes severe joint pain. If you catch it early enough all you need is one injection and a couple days rest, which is exactly what I took. I also had laryngitis but some antibiotics and spicy food cleared that right up!
I stayed two days at an ashram in Natham, a rural area outside Madurai. I spent the time doing yoga, eating plain ashram food (they have a very strict diet), resting and relaxing. It was a much needed vacation! Then, I met up with the other students at a Gandhian Thought social work center also located in Natham, where we spent two days resting and relaxing as a group. Now, I have two days with my host family to pack....and rest and relax.
All this relaxation has been nice but, honestly, it's driving me a bit nuts! After such a busy semester it's weird to slow down, especially when I'm so excited to go home. There's only so many times I can pre-pack! My trip home is going to be arduous: it starts with a night train and ends 2 days and 3 planes later. My suitcase is full of presents, and not much else!
I can't wait to see many of you on Thanksgiving! As for everyone else, let's do lunch! But please, no rice.
I have attached a picture of, surprise surprise, me resting and relaxing.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The home stretch is here!
Pondicherry was a nice little getaway although it did provide some important travel lessons. For one, don't let your autorickshaw driver show you "the cheap guest houses"- they will be anything but cheap and very poor quality! Also, beware the "pristine" Bay of Bengal beaches, unless to you "pristine" means "full of smelly fish drying on the sand." Finally, stay in ashram-owned guest houses; after our first night in the driver-recommended pig sty we pulled out our wallets for a marginally more expensive but ashram-owned guest house. The owner treated us like her grandchildren and the room was spectacular. We bought some fine French cheese (available in Pondicherry) and spent the night relaxing. It was the perfect break from my busy research schedule!
Aside from booze and cheese (Pondicherry is a Union Territory so alcohol is not illegal) Ponidicherry is famous for it's socialist community, Auroville. It was started by a popular guru, The Mother, upon inspiration from her guru, Sri Aurobindo. It is an exemplary new-age community based on the ideals of sharing, spirituality, and peace. It feels like a movie to walk through the place; a huge golden dome marks the community center and contains sand from every country. Auroville limits tourist access to a small area so as not to bother it's inhabitants, who number now in the thousands. The community was started in the 1970's and is still undergoing construction; it is slated to hold 51,000 by the time it's finished! It's an inspirational experiment in harmonious living between people and nature, and I recommend anyone interested check it out. One of our SITA students swears he will return to live there post-graduation, and I actually believe him!
For Halloween the SITA students hosted a big party at the SITA Center. The main attraction was our very own Haunted House. I don't want to toot my own horn but, in the words of my host family, I was the "main star." My character was a blood-soaked doctor. The smell of ketchup (blood) and the food I used as guts (Ramen, pumpkin innards, and boiled okra) combined to make me nauseous for the entire 2 hours, but it was all worth it to hear the terrified shrieks of so many poor Indian children! ;) Honestly, "scary houses" in India are nothing compared to those in the U.S. and I think us students may have gone a bit overboard with cutting/killing/zombie crawling. When my host sister came through I had to take off my mask and say, "Suruthi, it's OK, it's just me!" However, the free cake and candy made it all better!
I will post at least once more before I return to the States. Pakalam for now!
Emily
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