The Reason I am Still Unemployed

To Whom it May Concern,

I am writing this cover letter to apply for the position of Entry-Level Account Management Support Peon Teammate. I learned of this position through my friend John Johnson, who works as Next-to Entry Level Assistant to the Vice President's Aide. I believe that my natural character and learned skills render me an excellent match with AlmostAwesome Social Marketing, Inc.

To begin with, I have a great deal of experience working with angry clients. The most important action when dealing with unruly customers is to provoke them enough to become unruly in the first place. Had I not sufficiently degraded the quality of the situation, I may never have made them mad and thus learned how to appease them. Secondly, I am very good at completing boring tasks in the least time-efficient way possible. This is achieved by distracting myself in asking unnecessary, ignorant questions to other employees. You will note that this also fulfills the aspect of your job description that asks me to "demonstrate strong communication and team-work skills." I love teams because they allow me to delegate tasks to other members when I do not want to complete them. Moreover, working in teams allows me to blame my mistakes on others. The job description also calls for a detail-oriented and organized employee. One example of my detail-orient is my paying close attention to my Facebook account. I check my Facebook every 20 minutes during the work-day, ensuring that I know exactly what my friends are doing. I organize my responses to them in a logical manner, i.e. I respond to the most juicy gossip items and best party invites first. Finally, you ask me to demonstrate my sales experience. I am in fact completely inept at selling anything at all. However, there are many stupid people currently being paid thousands of dollars to do similar levels of nothing-ness and I therefore believe that I am qualified for this position.

I would like to schedule a time to meet in person so that you may establish that I bathe myself. Feel free to contact me on my MySpace account: 2cute4u2handle@myspace.com. I know that the description asks me not to call with inquiries about the status of my application, but I think that if I bother you enough times you may hire me simply to be rid of my calls. Therefore, I look forward to leaving you a voicemail in a couple of hours.

Thank you for your consideration.