This is it: I love women. No, I'm not using this blog as a space to come out (someone please make sure that my Grammy still has a pulse). Really, I don't think it could handle it- first India, then eating disorders, now she's a lesbian?! What's next- a picture of her lower back tattoo?! What I'm saying is that I've met so many unique, brave, fun-loving, adventurous women in the last few weeks. I'm awestruck by this phenomenon. I can hypothesize on the root of the movement but the fact of the matter is that more women are taking charge of their lives, trying new things, opening up to opportunities, and doing it all with an unfathomable level of relaxation and grace. Since when did women get so, well, cool?
In the last couple of weeks I've met four women who left their homes and moved to Denver just for the fun of it. They heard that it was a nice place to live so they packed their bags, met a roommate through craigslist.com and showed up here a week later. I met these women at social groups like yoga events and running clubs, which they looked up on the internet and joined. They showed up alone, smiled and struck up conversations. They drank a glass of wine or a beer and left alone when they wanted to go home. Most were unemployed and talked candidly of how difficult it was to look for a job, explaining that they tried not to place to much pressure on themselves. "I work on it a little bit a day," said one women. "Then I explore!" These women weren't fierce or intimidating. They were just looking to see something new, meet someone new, try something fun. They were devoid of judgments about the situation and that left them devoid of judgments about themselves or me.
I can't get enough of these women. I want them old, young, curvy, skinny, long-haired, short-haired, blue-haired, send em' my way! These women make me feel so much more confident about myself because they are all so differentiable. For the first time I feel like I really fit in because none of us really fit in so all of us are in, period. At groups and events I find myself gravitating toward the women, although this leads me into the potential negative aspect of feminine appreciation: I really have no patience for men.
Since I've been out of treatment I've undertaken a couple pseudo-relationships. I use the term "undertaken" with sincerity because that's how it's felt. Today I noticed an advertisement for property managers and I thought, "Hell, what about a boy manager? How much would that cost?" After a couple botched attempts I came to the realization that I do need a lot from a man right now and if he cannot provide it then he's a goner. "It's okay to be needy," said a girl in my ED support group. I also think about a good friend who remained uncommitted for years, saying, "I just have really high standards." I thought she was insane to miss out on the glorious-ness that is falling in love. She now has the most spectacular relationship with a guy totally above par. She was needy and committed to getting her needs fulfilled. I plan to do the same.
It's difficult for me not to be judgmental of the men my age, though. I see women enjoy a drink or two and sunnily ask for a water next and then I see men downing their sixth can of beer with a look of disgruntled hopelessness. I see women admitting that they are unemployed and holding out of a position that is fulfilling to them and I hear male friends calling me up with stale sales-pitches that they admittedly loathe to give. I see women going places alone and men rolling five-deep to meat-market bars. The only men I like talking to right now are nerds, old friends and grandfathers.
I don't blame men. I actually place blame on the warped societal standards that we've created for a "successful" man. I think women have been allowed to grow slowly, quietly and personally, while masculine toys have received steroid-like treatment and men suffer the pressure of trying to be economically sound in an unstable economy. It can't be easy to see more and more women get better jobs, run faster and party cooler. Men could use a break, sans the booze.
I'm sure this is a phase (good, because my Grammy is worried that I'm becoming a feminist). But I'm really into women right now. Until men buck up, I think that's just the way things are going to have to be.
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