After living in a more traditional British town for over a year, I’ve succeeded in rendering many a Brit uncomfortable by my cultural gaffes. My first lesson was the basic recognition of when Brits are uncomfortable, rather than just uninterested. They are infallibly polite and confrontation adverse. I know I’ve made a Brit squirm when side-eye me for a millisecond before diverting their gaze, shrugging their shoulders, and mumbling, “If you fancy.” Edify yourself: Here are my top-5 ways to make a British person uncomfortable.
1) Tell them you don’t know where you’re going but refuse directions.
England is a county admired for its explorers. It’s the breeding ground of polar exhibitors (Scott) and royal treasure-hunters (Raleigh). It is home to Ordnance Survey maps, a tool that could save lives in the jungle but is actually detailed for a highly-populated country half the size of California. Being lost is un-English! Brits are dumbfounded by your insistence on “Googling it” or “wandering.” In a country where knowing one’s way is a national pursuit, aimless outsiders are discomforting.
2) Leave your tea bag in your cuppa.
While still perplexed by your refusal of milk and/or sugar, Brits are accustomed to the idea of drinking “black” tea (herbal or otherwise). What they absolutely cannot fathom is why someone would allow their tea to seep. Or worse, continuously reuse it, topping up the mug with hot water to seep the last dregs. In this country English tea is sold in boxes that look like Legos for giants. The correct method is to fish out a tea bag in less than three minutes by pushing it lightly against the edge of the mug, placing the bag on a small tray specifically for this purpose, and clanking the stirring spoon around cream-colored contents. Rinse and repeat.
England is a county admired for its explorers. It’s the breeding ground of polar exhibitors (Scott) and royal treasure-hunters (Raleigh). It is home to Ordnance Survey maps, a tool that could save lives in the jungle but is actually detailed for a highly-populated country half the size of California. Being lost is un-English! Brits are dumbfounded by your insistence on “Googling it” or “wandering.” In a country where knowing one’s way is a national pursuit, aimless outsiders are discomforting.
2) Leave your tea bag in your cuppa.
While still perplexed by your refusal of milk and/or sugar, Brits are accustomed to the idea of drinking “black” tea (herbal or otherwise). What they absolutely cannot fathom is why someone would allow their tea to seep. Or worse, continuously reuse it, topping up the mug with hot water to seep the last dregs. In this country English tea is sold in boxes that look like Legos for giants. The correct method is to fish out a tea bag in less than three minutes by pushing it lightly against the edge of the mug, placing the bag on a small tray specifically for this purpose, and clanking the stirring spoon around cream-colored contents. Rinse and repeat.
3) Know nothing about the royal family.
The fact that someone acquainted with popular media or Western history is ignorant to the names, marital status, and impregnation updates of the British royal family is shocking. The monarchy is basically a national treasure. Disrobing a Brit of their royal fascination is like telling them Santa Clause doesn’t exist. They feel a little foolish, bothered, and out of their conversational comfort zone.
4) Ask them why they wash dishes using a tub in the sink.
I guesstimate that 99% of British people wash dishes by filling a plastic tub with soapy water, sloshing dishes around and then drying the dishes on a metallic platform and rack next to the sink. The tub is caked with gooey residue. Despite my extensive research (Facebook polling, article reading, local question-asking), no British person can offer myself or themselves a satisfactory explanation. The only substantial answer? “It’s what we’ve always done.” What makes this conversation uncomfortable is that even when you’ve both acknowledged illogical methodology, your conversational partner will continue to wash dishes this way. In the UK, tradition is the ultimate comfort.
5) Talk about going to therapy and suggest others do, too.
The UK has high numbers of people registered as mentally unwell or special needs. The National Health Service (NHS) provides extensive support in the form of back-to-work training schemes, personal aides, and prescriptions. But they reserve paid counselling for the most desperate. Admitting faults and emotions is not easy in this hardy culture. Brits are likely to become insane thinking of sitting in a square room on a square chair talking squarely into the face of someone hired to probe. The English are a loyal and private culture. One speaks about personal things with family where no background story is necessary before moving on to more important topics (“What’s for tea?”) Discussing therapy casually, especially after someone admits hardship, is social suicide. The Brits react like bearded dragon lizards with puffed necks: Nervous laughter, fidgety movements, and fumbled subject changes abound. A whisper, “I can’t believe she thinks I need it!” may be heard.
The fact that someone acquainted with popular media or Western history is ignorant to the names, marital status, and impregnation updates of the British royal family is shocking. The monarchy is basically a national treasure. Disrobing a Brit of their royal fascination is like telling them Santa Clause doesn’t exist. They feel a little foolish, bothered, and out of their conversational comfort zone.
4) Ask them why they wash dishes using a tub in the sink.
I guesstimate that 99% of British people wash dishes by filling a plastic tub with soapy water, sloshing dishes around and then drying the dishes on a metallic platform and rack next to the sink. The tub is caked with gooey residue. Despite my extensive research (Facebook polling, article reading, local question-asking), no British person can offer myself or themselves a satisfactory explanation. The only substantial answer? “It’s what we’ve always done.” What makes this conversation uncomfortable is that even when you’ve both acknowledged illogical methodology, your conversational partner will continue to wash dishes this way. In the UK, tradition is the ultimate comfort.
5) Talk about going to therapy and suggest others do, too.
The UK has high numbers of people registered as mentally unwell or special needs. The National Health Service (NHS) provides extensive support in the form of back-to-work training schemes, personal aides, and prescriptions. But they reserve paid counselling for the most desperate. Admitting faults and emotions is not easy in this hardy culture. Brits are likely to become insane thinking of sitting in a square room on a square chair talking squarely into the face of someone hired to probe. The English are a loyal and private culture. One speaks about personal things with family where no background story is necessary before moving on to more important topics (“What’s for tea?”) Discussing therapy casually, especially after someone admits hardship, is social suicide. The Brits react like bearded dragon lizards with puffed necks: Nervous laughter, fidgety movements, and fumbled subject changes abound. A whisper, “I can’t believe she thinks I need it!” may be heard.
As the Brits say, “Don’t be daft!” One day, when you’ve lived in this country for years, use colloquialisms, and are invited for tea at the home of your “second British mum,” you can broach these topics with locals. Until then, just avoid them all together.
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