Home Again, Home Again

Welcome back, I daresay, because my life right now feels very welcoming indeed. My family trip to California was delightfully successful, even sweeter in that it might have been a total disaster. In fact, this time last year my family and I took a trip to Santa Fe that ended in a massive argument, many tears, and apologetic bouquets. It was there that I admitted my problem. I’ve spent the last year trying to fix that problem through various means. Therefore, I planned to use this trip as a gauge to my progress and a determinant of the next steps that I would take. If it looked anything like Santa Fe, I knew that I would need to spend some more time in the Extended Intensive Outpatient Program (where I currently go for 13+ hours a week). If not, I could discharge from the program and begin a life in which ED is not the dominant theme.

The first day on the beach in California was telling indeed. Bikini? Check. Snacks? Check. Lots of family? Check. Pre-ED I would have spent my entire time there trying to pass off frenetic swimming as leisurely cavorting. This time I sat happily on my beach towel, watching my family and savoring the feelings bounding through my senses. I was a little overwhelmed, hence the quiet observation, but I also really loved witnessing the people around me. Then, my sister and I went for a walk along the beach. While we were walking I asked if I seemed anti-social. She said yes and that was interesting for her because I was much more quiet and less hyper than I used to be. The only thing I heard in this statement was, “You’re not fun anymore.” I dramatically crumpled to the sand and felt the tears spring into my eyes. It was like hearing my worst fears come true.

As we trudged back to our towels, I considered my options. I could spend the rest of the day trying to be hyper, “fun,” and engaged. Possible results included seeming manic, feeling manic, and utterly wearing myself out. I could try to engage a little bit more than normal but not to an extreme level. Possible results could be positive family engagement or feeling disconnected. I continued to weigh my options, growing more and more dejected the closer we got to the towels (and saying all sorts of ridiculous, self-defeating things to my sister in the process). Then, when my big toe was practically resting on the corner of my towel, I thought, “What if I didn’t do anything? What if I just sat back down and acted in the way that seems right? What if I’m not fun? What if I am fun? What does it matter?” So that’s what I did.

Another day I met my Aunt, Uncle and cousins for dinner in Newport. I felt energetic after getting back from the beach early with my family so I decided to explore the coast and ended up in the city. I shopped a little, buying a shirt at one store. The further into the town I got the less my wallet matched my surroundings, so I dropped into “pretend-rich” mode (an attitude that comes in handy) and kept “shopping.” In one store I realized how much I wanted to wear my new shirt bought at the cheaper boutique. I grabbed a pile of other (far too expensive) clothing, went into the dressing room and emerged moments later in my new shirt. The clerks looked at me quizzically. “I decided I wanted to wear this instead,” I said. Motioning to the pile of untouched clothes in the fitting room, I continued, “And those all look like crap on me.” I flitted away to buy myself a little frozen yogurt treat. Lesson? Wear what feels right and reward yourself with sugar.

Then, my parents and I went to the Craig Ferguson show. Since we weren’t allowed to bring cell phones into the show we left them in the car. We came to realize that the show would go later than we predicted and needed to contact my sister about the time change. But what can one possibly communicate without a cell-phone? With minutes until we were going to enter the CBS filming room I ran back to our car, parked five or so blocks away. I could’ve gotten there much quicker if I didn’t have to go around the protected parking lot, inaccessible without a badge. After retrieving the phones I decided to screw the man and cut through the lot anyway. I barreled through, head high and trying to act like I knew exactly what I was doing (which I did, to an extent). Soon I heard the security guards shouting, “Ma’am! Ma’am!” I turned to see three of them trying to catch up with me. Little did they know, I am healthier and faster than ever before. I turned on the big guns and flew the coop on those poor CBS guards, ducking into line with my parents, phones in hand, minutes later. Lesson? It’s nice to be able to outrun the guards.

I did have one rough morning. The night before I had gotten into a fight with my sister. We’re at a weird stage, this teenager and I. We’re both coming into ourselves, her as an emerging high-schooler and me as an emerging…emerger. The point is that we’re both seeing ourselves in new lights and facing new challenges. What bothers me is that sometimes I feel a little jealous of my sister; she seems so confident with so many possibilities and sometimes I feel like a child trapped in a corner. She’s Amelia Airheart and I’m Benjamin Button. As I started thinking negative thoughts like this I effectively opened the floodgates. I couldn’t stop believing that I was a burden on my family, that no one had said anything about my disorder the whole time because they couldn’t stand to have it a part of their lives, that I was boring and negative to be around, and more. My morning run went a half hour longer than it should have; I kept breathing the ocean air, hoping it would clear my mind of its toxicity. And I needed to feel like I could at least do something right. I was being followed by ED the whole time.

When I got home the thoughts persisted and I didn’t eat my full breakfast. The water stung as it ran down my body in the shower (probably because I was redder than a lobster with sunburns, but I felt like I deserved it). I just couldn’t get out of feeling so much self-loathing; all I wanted was to be perfect and enjoyable for the people around me. What could I do? Nothing. Hopeless, absolute, nothing.

Finally, it dawned on me that doing nothing might be the best option. I saw these thoughts and knew that some of them might have justification and some might not but they were all making me feel the same lousy way. So I decided to let them go. I got dressed and focused on the fun day ahead. I thought to myself, “I can feel this way, but I’m going to live my day anyway.” I grabbed an extra snack in effort to make up for breakfast lost. And I reminded myself that having fun was what I wanted to do and the more fun I had the more fun I seemed to be. I lived regardless of feeling un-alive.

It ended up being one of the most fun days of my trip. In the end, I realized that I didn’t need to try to talk it out or apologize to my family. Things weren’t as bad as they had seemed. And tomorrow was just around the corner.

In conclusion, I am pleased to announce that California was a success. I maintained my weight despite having exercised more than normal (I blame being an early riser, having lots of free time, access to a gym and winding ocean paths) which means that I ate according to my needs. I didn’t obsess over eating my perfect meal plan in and enjoyed many glasses of wine. I took it easy during the days and came home proud, mindful and relaxed. I am proud. I’d like to say “thank-you” to my amazing family for helping me make California exactly what I had hoped it would be: real and really fun.

On Thursday I discharged from treatment. Are you smiling? I am.