It may seem inconceivable, but it is in fact possible to accept, work, and lose a job in four days- in "this" economy, nonetheless! Here's a couple pointers on achieving the unachievable:
1.) After attempting to earn job and receiving mixed signals from potential employer, allow five months to pass before being contacted by the employer. Act as if this is a completely normal practice and jump at the chance to be interviewed.
2.) Accept the job when offered- on the spot, at Starbucks.
3.) Do not agree upon a number of hours, schedule, or job duties.
4.) When your new employer's daughter is rushed into emergency C-section on the other side of the United States, insist that he visit her. Allow a brief 1-hour "first working day" to sign the necessary paper-work and cross your fingers that when he comes back you still have a job.
5.) As soon as your employer returns take your own week-long family vacation. Again, cross your fingers that upon return your new job awaits.
6.) Be sure that your employer's office is in his basement.
7.) Allow employer to convince you that the administrative work he instructs you to do is short-lived and that the special project for which you agreed to work for will be the focal point of your position, shortly.
8.) Make sure that everything you do is just below satisfactory-even if you think that you are doing it perfectly.
9.) When confronted about unsatisfactory work, explain that sometimes you have a hard time understanding your employer's thick accent.
10.) On Day 3, allow your employer to leave the office. For the first time in your life attempt to make microwave popcorn. Do not stand by the microwave to pull the popcorn out when it's ready; go back to your desk to complete your unsatisfactory work. Then jump up to get the popcorn as smoke billows from the microwave. Rush around the basement/office attempting to dismantle all alarms and open what few windows exist. Call your boss to apologize.
11.) On your 4th and final day, arrive to complete your best work yet. Hand it to your employer too late, because he has already written your one and only check. Do not back up your work; be sure that you will receive no credit for the ideas, should they be used.
12.) When employer takes your key to the office under the guise that "he wants to show you how to properly lock the door," give it to him without thought. Then, when he takes the key, looks you in the eye and says, "This just isn't working out," thank employer kindly, shake his hand, and walk out with your chin held high.
Post-Script: How to Deal with Unthinkable Job Loss
1.) Call your mother.
2.) Ignore urges to exercise yourself into oblivion and take a nap instead.
3.) Get dressed up in your roommate's vintage clothing. Take your little sister to dinner and a movie.
4.) Listen to NPR. You may have just raised your personal debt ceiling, but at least you're not Obama.
