The 5 o'clock Shadow

One time of day seems to be the most difficult, and that's right around 5 p.m. Every day at that time I start to lose steam, the world gets very heavy, and I wonder how many more minutes are in the night, how much more time until the next book-end in my world of perpetual waiting. I feel best in the morning when I wake up, get some "to-do" items done, maybe go to yoga or for a walk, and indulge in a little coffee. But in the afternoon my demons come back. How many calories have I eaten today? What should I be doing right now to keep up the optimal level of productivity? Why don't I have any energy? When am I going to get into treatment? Why am I so selfish, putting this burden on my family? The thoughts hum in my head and I usually find myself in a chair somewhere, simultaneously whimpering like a child and cursing like a sailor. 5 o'clock steals my ability to make a decision; a good friend yesterday said, "just let me know what will make you feel better." I had no idea. I think everyone has their rough time of day. It's 8:49 a.m. and I'm looking at the slug of my sister curled up on the couch, eyes half open, staring at cartoons. This is her's. In about an hour she'll be a bouncing butterfly but right now I've just got to let her simmer. At 5 o'clock she'll do me the same honor.

This morning I took a yoga class that uses weights, burns calories and is more intense than the ones I've been relegating myself to this week. I mostly chose the class because it fit my schedule, but I would be lying if I said the intensity of the workout wasn't appealing. As soon as I had those weights in my hand I felt the familiar pride and endorphins that "hooked" me in the first place. But as I watched myself pump the iron, the guilt threatened to pull my downward-facing dog all the way to the ground. "I shouldn't be doing this" chattered in place of om in my 1st chakra (the brain, for you westerners). My muscles filled me with shame.

And then came the resentment. Why, I balked, should I be ashamed of this body, this awesome achievement that I've worked so hard for? Why should I feel guilty for doing what doctors and society has been hounding us to do for years now: eat healthy and get in shape. Why was this a "problem?"

Even though I do yoga, I'm not flexible. Like the poses themselves, everything is upside down and backward in my mind. I'm a pretzel within the confines of my own imbalance. I've lost all ability to live in the moment, to take the lemons that life hands me without mashing them into a senseless, sugarless, low-fat pulp. That's why. I'm not following doctor's recommendations but my own strict paradigm, my own warped sense of what's "good."

The emotions that envelope me at any moment can almost always be divided succinctly in two: the desire to gain weight and recharge my life and the fear of losing control, the self-doubt, and the guilt and loathing. Yin and yang sans positive connotations. It is this Cold War that makes me tired at 5 o'clock.

The likely reason for my weighted transgression is the fact that I find out today if I can get into treatment tomorrow. If I can't, there's still the option of Wednesday; if neither of those work then it could be over a week until the next possible opening. Thinking about another week of waiting can only be related to the movie Castaway. I want to go to the ocean, make best friends with a volleyball, and never speak English again. Yet, I know that time still ticks in the ocean. I can't run from 5 o'clock.

But! It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right? Interestingly enough, I am not whimpering in a chair. I'm babysitting my sister and looking forward to spending time with my friends. Eventually, my entrance counselor will call, and she will tell me something, and I will deal with this something, and 5 o'clock will come and go, and tomorrow and the next day and the next day and some time from now, I will be happy and healthy and teaching group fitness classes in Chile in Spanish. That's that. Those are my options. Wonderful, simple, and like the tree pose, both flexible and balanced.

I'm sending you love at this 5 o'clock hour.

Holy Frijoles! (And fruits and whole grains and NOT cookies...)

Check this out! I had no idea that this "disease" even existed, but it feels so much like what I and many others struggle with. The modern emphasis on healthy eating and exercise leads to extremes for so many people. Look at this wikipedia.com entry on "Orthexia nervosa":

Orthorexia nervosa (also known as orthorexia) is a term used by Steven Bratman to describe people who have developed a fixation with healthy or righteous eating^[1] and has been referred to as a mental disorder.^[2] It is not a medically recognized term.^[a]

Steven Bratman claims that in rare cases, this focus may turn into a fixation so extreme that it can lead to severe malnutrition or even death.^[3] Even in less severe cases, the attempt to follow a diet that cannot provide adequate nourishment is said to lower self-esteem as the orthorexic blames themselves rather than their diet for their constant hunger and the resulting cravings for forbidden foods. ^[4]

The term orthorexia derives from the Greek ορθο- (ortho, “right" or "correct”), and όρεξις (orexis, "appetite"), literally meaning a correct diet. It was introduced in 1997 by Californian Doctor of Medicine Steven Bratman, to be used as a parallel with other eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa.

...Bratman describes orthorexia as an unhealthy fixation with what the individual considers to be healthy eating. The subject may avoid certain unhealthy foods, such as those containing fats, preservatives, man-made food-additives, animal products, or other ingredients considered by the subject to be unhealthy; if the sufferer does not eat appropriately, malnutrition can ensue. Bratman claims Orthorexic sufferers have specific preferences about the foods they are eating and avoiding...

...In addition, he claims that "anorexic orthorexia" can be as dangerous as anorexia. However, he states, "the underlying motivation is quite different. While an anorexic wants to lose weight, an orthorexic does not desire to become thin^[6] but wants to feel pure, healthy and natural...

As another good friend once said, "All I want you to do is eat a big, juicy, burger." Hmmmm....

"Jessica's Daily Affirmation"

My best friend, Laura, first showed me this youtube video. Just watch it and you'll know why I posted it here!!

Jessica's Daily Affirmation

Something to be Proud of

A good friend of mine recommended that I find something to be proud of every single day. This actually isn't too hard when you have very low expectations. Like, eating the sample of sushi at Queen Soopers (yes, Queen Soopers in the ghetto gives out free sushi samples. And half of you are still sheltered in the burbs!). That was formerly an off-limits food, and I ate it in one gulp. Or the pizza we made last night- I invented a Thai shrimp Boboli that was to die for. And accompanied it with three glasses of wine.

What may seem like a typical night for most can be extremely difficult for people struggling with eating disorders, and last night is a great example. The extremes that are felt during a single moment like that are limitless: at one point, I was proud of myself for eating pizza and enjoying the moment, but as the night wore on the guilt set in, and then dessert happened, and then I started doing what they call "engaging in behavior:" I signed up for an early-morning workout class and planned how I could secretly get in as much possible activity during the day. I got irritable and anxious- practically chewed a whole pack of gum, for goodness sakes. And I just wanted everyone to shut up.

But guess what? I didn't go to the workout class (let's chalk this one up to willpower, not wine...)! And guess what? I'm going to go to Ethiopian food with my Professor today! And guess what? I'm going to stop worrying about this stupid stuff because it made last night less fun and makes this beautiful morning, with the sun coming in the windows and my coffee brewing, less valuable. And we all know that if there is anything in this world that deserves its due respect, it's the wonderfully legal drug known as coffee.

A note on lunch: I am going with the Professor who oversaw my Partners in Scholarship Research Project, A Case Study of the Colorado Refugee English as a Second Language Program. He's was so important to my work and an absolutely brilliant man, and this is our celebration of me having finished my project. I also presented the project to the CRESL school for the first time a few days ago. If they like it, they are considering using it in their curriculum, and it could end up at the desk of the Denver Commissioner for Refugees. I am so proud of the project and so honored to have worked with my Professor, the teachers at CRESL, and the refugees. If there's a place to give me a little perspective on my "issues," I think refugee programs are it! Too bad they're on Spring Break!

Thank you to everyone for your responses, both here and on e-mail. I cannot fathom how I became so lucky as to live in a world with you people. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm praying for and thinking about and love you, too! And I'm wishing you the very best morning: coffee (decaff black tea for Alison and green tea for Uncle Dave), maybe a little bit of quiet, and an honest day. Cheers!

A New Direction

Originally, I created this blog as a means to document one of the biggest, most exciting times in my life: my study abroad experience in India. It was a means to share events and ideas with my friends family, helping us to keep in touch at a time when it was either difficult or taxing to contact individuals. Many people, some of whom I had no idea were following, expressed that they appreciated the blog and felt as connected to me as I felt to them, even though we were so far from one another. It's been sitting here, untouched, ever since; I've been wondering if there might be a time when this page could come in handy. I think I may have found it.

As many of you are aware, I have decided to enter into the Residential Treatment Program at the Eating Recovery Center of Denver. The ERC is one of the premier eating disorder care programs in the nation, attracting men and women from many different states. Unfortunately, that means that there is a waitlist, and I'm on it, doing just that- waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and thinking, way too much. In some ways the wait is beneficial: it means that when I enter the program, I will be truly committed and ready. However, I feel so sure, confidant and ready to make this change, that the waiting feels useless. Hopefully I will get in sometime early next week. I'll keep you posted (cue drums)!

Many people are wondering what exactly "I have": anorexia? Bulimia? Exercise bulimia? And how it developed. I am an obsessive-compulsive exerciser: I never feel like I've exercised enough and always want to be in the best possible shape. It's an escape mechanism and a way of making me feel proud and accomplished. In this disorder, I exercise for upwards of 3 hours a day, and it's taking it's toll on my body, my mind, and my sanity. Along with the exercise is obsessive eating: I only want to eat the "healthiest" possible food and as much as it takes to propel my exercise schedule. I have never worried about being fat or had a problem with my body; in fact, body confidence is something I've only lost because of exercise (I wish I still had a booty!) and I can't wait to get my rounder figure back. Truly, the food and exercise come back to the same basic premise: I want to be the best I can be, in every way, at all times.

I once read a quote: "Attempting to be superhuman will only result in being sub-par." Oops.

So, after about a year of this behavior, the impact on my life is obvious and atrocious. I have lost the majority of my friends (I was unwilling to go out, potentially gaining weight and feeling too hungover to work out), my health, several jobs, my boyfriend, and caused limitless worry to those who I care most about. Moreover, I feel like I've been wasting my time. It's silly and fruitless to live this way, obsessing about what doesn't matter because I stress myself out over what does. Hiding behind the disorder is no longer effective, and I'm ready to make the change.

My goals help drive me through this process. First, I want to go to Chile, working with a U.S.-based company who has partners or branches in the region. I want to get my graduate degree at the University of Santiago there. I want to eat Chilean food and dance the salsa and flirt with cute Chilean boys. I will do this, and I will be healthy.

I want to be an inspirational group fitness instructor. After years of considering it I had finally earned my certification a few months ago and was working with a couple different Boot Camps. I adore teaching fitness- it's so much fun to help others find their healthy selves, and I get a kick out of cracking jokes and jumping around like a squirrel on ADHD meds. It's just for me, but unless I can maintain a healthy self, how am I supposed to be energetic enough? I refuse to be a hypocrite.

I want to be spiritual. Exercising has taken the place of my self-awareness, my feelings of self-worth, and my emotional connection with those powers outside of myself. I don't have the energy to consider greater beings, and in this realm I have lost one of the most important aspects of being a human being. I can't wait to reconnect with the Emily that is in Jesus or darma or Shakti or whatever else is out there. They know I'm there and they will show me myself.

In conclusion, I'd like to offer a warning to any reader of this blog: it could get ugly. I am hoping that people from all parts of my life, from mentors to Uncles, can read this to stay up-to-date with my (sure) progress when I'm inaccessible. I also think it could end up very, very interesting. This might be my only chance at 15 minutes of fame: Celebrity Rehab! I'm going to give it a try. If I feel like it's getting too invasive at either end of the screen I'll cut it. For now, please comment, respond, and ask questions. I love you, and I want you in.

Wish me luck!

Back in the U.S.A.

Welcome back!

Obviously, I am returned from India and just completing my Winter quarter here at DU. It's been a pretty smooth transition, although some aspects were difficult. At first I was excited to jump back into my busy, productive daily routine. However, I soon found myself resenting having to once again make my own decisions. For almost four months I only decided when to rise, what time to attend yoga, and whether or not to do my homework (which, of course, I did!) Suddenly I had to find a house, pick my class schedule, start working, and make my own food (which is nothing compared to Chitra's grub). Even though I was busy in India I forgot how different it was to be busy in America, and I was not sure if I was ready for it. Luckily, I've been able to retrieve balance over the last months and am feeling much more at ease!

I had planned only to keep this blog as a means of updating family and friends about my time abroad. However, I've been thinking (I do so on occasion) and I have decided that in the current socio/cultural climate a blog like this might be of greater personal and career-oriented interests. So, I plan to extend Time in the Temple City as a means for updating friends, family and potential networking connections on my current pursuits. I may upload updated resumes and other similar documents. What do you think? Would you, as employers and family members, read it?

Thanks for your input, and for the Girl Scout cookies/ dinners out/ fixing of my computer...

Emily

Thanks for all your suppo