After so many flowers delivered to the wrong Emily (what a let-down) and responding to people not calling to me (also a let-down), I've toyed with the idea of another name. In college I often told annoying frat boys that my name was Esmerelda; that was fun, until I actually started to like one of them. He kept taking Esmerelda on dates- I got jealous. On my resume and my email address I list myself as "Emily Tonelli Stewart" and "Emily Elizabeth Stewart," hoping for a memorable boost. But the name I most desire in these last few weeks is actually less of an identifier and more of a reference tool, an actionable reminder: Grace.
The last three weeks have tested my grace. It is important to note that the assumptive corollary to that statement- "Emily possesses grace"- is not necessarily correct. I've had car failure, bed bugs, needy South American colleagues, resigning bosses, and the death of a person dear to my heart. I've been in the car a lot (my LEAST graceful sphere) and felt guilty a lot (it's hard to act graceful when one's conscience squirms). I just keep trying to remember to act gracefully and find myself doing the exact opposite. Maybe if my name was Grace it would be easier to remember; every one of those fumigation notices and South American emails and rental car receipts would also remind me to act with some poise. Of course, there are other names that might help me weather the tempest, and a good investigator eliminates all options before theorizing. Shall we examine other appellations?
It's become popular for parents to name their children after impressive dead people, like Napoleon and William (the Conquerer) and Alexander (the Great). This isn't such a bad idea. It would remind me to approach each wave with a weapon and a strategy. It would allow me to overcome enemies and create empires. But, it would entail lots of marching, trampling and blood-letting. I'm pretty good at that already. I think developing and nurturing relationships, rather than conquering and imposing, is a better course of action at this point.
I could be "Caressa." That kind of sounds like "caress," which would mean approaching my life in the same way someone frosts a cupcake. Except "caress" is defined as "light touch," and from the moment I was born I was more of a "wrecking-ball touch" kind of gal. Let's stick to something a little more realistic?
I could be "Mary," but when the going got tough she just threw her hands up and said (quite literally), "What the hell!" I could be "Margaret (Thatcher)," moral and just, but then she was pretty much miserable to live with by the end of it all. I am determined to be less difficult than that! I could be "Ariel" of the "The Little Mermaid" fame, but I want to use my fins for swimming rather than trying to re-constitute my resources into something they are not. Plus, she did it all for some dude. *Boring*
So, after a brief albeit inclusive study, I think Grace is the name I want to live. "Grace" doesn't signify that wild issues won't come my way. "Grace" doesn't mean that uncomfortable situations and tough decisions won't dot the landscape of my being. "Grace" doesn't mean that I have to smile through them, either. To me, "grace" sounds a little like "serenity." The serenity prayer states, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Another "graceful" idiom is, "You are the impression you leave on others." Grace is taking those obstacles with a curios eye. It is observing my reactions to them and giving myself 20 minutes to sit in them. Grace is trying to relax my face as I stomp through my office. Grace is not "crusty," "rash," or "disjointed." Grace isn't a temper-tantrum to my mom on the phone "because she'll love my anyway." Grace is the question, "Okay...I see...what now?" And Grace is the answer, "Let's have a snack and think about it." Tea-time, anyone?
Sincerely, Em[Grace]ily
