WWAV/ SD?

Hello, all. It's been almost exactly one month since I last wrote, and the only reason that I am able to write today is because I decided to skip my morning work out so that I could get to work early so that I could leave early so that I might still be able to attend my own party. It's been busy, the type of busy that gets into your bones. The type of busy that turns on all the switches in my mind that activate a myriad of coping mechanisms with innumerable precipitations, sometimes helpful and sometimes detrimental.

I accepted a full-time, salaried position in Denver. Of course this position presented as soon as I had declared myself Miami-bound: I was sick of looking for jobs in Denver and ready to embrace my true gringa. In Denver I was strategic with my applications; however, I was also starting down a new path of self-employment, where I made ends meet by signing up for contract work, promotional gigs, and creating my own Business Development Consulting company. I recognized that this was not sufficient means to meet my ends; in fact, it wasn't even sufficient to move out of my parents house. But each lead brought me a little closer to some connection. The lifestyle was exciting and creative and it involved a lot of fun coffee and lunch meetings. Plus, I work well independently.

Then, a very good friend told me that her sister's company was hiring. I went in with a "what-the-hell" attitude; I was moving to Miami, and if I wasn't moving to Miami I was making it on my own in Denver and enjoying (albeit onerously) doing it. Still, I was earnest during the interview. Considering my limited working experience, my constraints limitations as a business development consultant were glaring. Plus, it was good practice.

A week or so before my interview I had had an enlightening meeting with a business consultant who recommended that I look less desperate when I go into interviews; she thought it might be showing. That must have worked because they offered me the position on Friday, February 13 and I started the following Monday.

Except that I still had two contract gigs during both weekends and was still "working" as a consultant and contract employee for other companies. It was like down-shifting when you're driving full-throttle and not bothering to slow the gas: everything was grinding and I was expending massive amounts of energy but going very slowly.

The job that I have accepted is perfect for many reasons. It's a new start-up on forefront of it's class, full of 12 other young, fun people. There are committed to transparency in their business so I get to watch the start-up process from the front seat; hell, I even get a chance to be a driver. It's fascinating to me and information that I will use for the rest of my life. Then there's other things, like the fact that I can walk there and that I finally have a customer service position on my resume. But boy, it's kicking my ass.

I have never been salaried before and I didn't realize how easy it was to never leave the job when you're being paid a flat-rate, versus hourly. I invoked the sort of dedication to efficiency that I pursued under hourly income. After 10 hours on the job this renders me completely exhausted. I've learned a helluva a lot this year yet this is the first time since graduation that I've had to learn new information, per say: facts, logistics, metrics, processing, etc. This really doesn't feel anything like the psychological insights I gained at the ERC, that's for sure. Every employee stays long past their hours; 10-hour days are common, and since we're on customer service that means sitting at a desk in front of a couple of monitors for the entire time.

In some ways I'm still clinging to my old lifestyle, which invokes all sorts of secondary emotions of guilt and shame- after all, I prayed for this job for so long, how can I be unhappy with it?! I miss blogging. I miss feeling proactive and successful. I miss being able to find endpoints. And I'm tired: right now I've started a new job, I'm house and dog-sitting, I'm trying to find a new place to live, one of my best friends is coming in for a visit, I'm hosting a party, and I still have other contract gigs running their course.

I think my primary emotion at this point is, once again, fear. This job scares me because it's a commitment to staying in Denver and to living this new salaried lifestyle. It means lots of sacrifices, but I'm not sure what sacrifices are forever and what just needs to happen now so that I can weather the transition. I get so much fulfillment from the volunteer committees that I'm on and from going to lunch and coffee with friends and from blogging and from exercise. My lifestyle is beginning to look like it did at the height of my disorder, when every hour of every day was spent in attempt to accomplish something: work, exercise, eat, sleep...work, exercise, eat, sleep. No social life and the constant humming in my head: Have you done this? Will you do this? You must be forgetting something!

The job has also been difficult on my eating disorder and I'm pretty sure that I've lost some weight. I eat constantly throughout the day at my desk because it gives me an excuse to move around, and I am proud of that, but I still don't think I get the calories in that would send a smile across the face of my nutritionist. I am aware that everyone else at the office notices this because they comment on it, which makes me feel self-conscious. Every morning I wake up at 4:45am so that I can get to the gym because I think I may go crazy sitting for 10 hours and not getting a work out in.

Right now I'm trying to focus on recognizing the patterns in my mind and pursuing those ones that will allow me the most peace and fulfillment. I know that it's natural to want to exercise when I sit for 10 hours; however, that doesn't mean that I need to pound out each workout with the ferocity of a lion on the prowl. I also know that I will make mistakes as I go through this learning process; that doesn't mean that I need to engage in useless comparisons wherein I wonder if everyone else made as many mistakes as me or if the new girl will be better at picking up the processes than me. And just because I need to sacrifice some of my personal life right now doesn't mean that I won't be able to pick it back up when the dust has settled, so to speak. In fact, that's a perfect reasonable thing to do. Finally, I don't need to spend time at my desk wondering if my coworkers like me, or if they think I'm doing a good job, or if I'm proving my worth.

Because: My name is Emily Stewart. I am a dedicated, ambitious person, with many skills and the capability to learn more. I am devoted to living my life in a happy, healthy, way, where I take opportunities and listen to my heart. I know that people want to be around me because they tell me so and I know that I can trust people in their actions because they also want to live honest, fulfilling lives. I know that my work is not a demonstration of my character but actions by it. And I know that if I live with my heart shining outward and an open smile on my face that good will come to me.

Tonight I'm hosting an event: The Totally Rad Females Idea Party. When I didn't feel prepared enough for it I almost canceled it. Then I thought of two of the women who inspired me to host this event: Sarah Casewit and Auntie Val. Both of these women share the same divine ability to surf the waves of the world. They make the term "fly by the seat of your pants" seem like artistic instruction rather than negative disorganization. They would show up to their own party, put everything together on the spot, and laugh about it; they would use that disorganization to entertain the crowd. And they would know that that little stuff doesn't matter- what matters is the vision, which is to join so many spectacular women in one place and get them a little tipsy.

WWAV/SD (What Would Auntie Val/ Sarah Do?) Throw their hands up and giggle.